... and other big dreams ...

2010 Goals

2010-01-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

After some discussion with friends, I've decided that making goals instead of resolutions would be a much more productive and less stressful way of approaching change. I feel like a resolution is something that I have to change immediately while a goal is something I can work toward accomplishing.

Here are a few of mine:

1) Take advantage of being unemployed: Finish renovating my bathroom; organize; detail clean; read books; relax; spend quality time with friends; make new friends; cook healthy, delicious meals; share the meals; frequent the gym; learn good sleeping habits

2) Complete a triathlon: I did a sprint a few years ago and also was on a relay team for a half Ironman. See #1.

3) Lose weight: I know that sounds cliche but all the stress I put on myself during grad school and at work did not do pretty things for my health. See #1 and #2.

4) Believe in myself: I've been trying for 29 years to do this. Maybe this will be the year..

short or long?

2009-09-07T21:35:00.007-04:00

Either way, my hair desperately needs to see scissors. Make a comment and vote.

with long hair

with short hair

aspiring domestic diva

2009-07-27T22:30:00.009-04:00

I've had it out for the ultra-feminists lately. They've really messed things up for the rest of us regular feminists.

I'm glad for the rights that I now enjoy. I fully realize that women have gained some of these rights in the fairly recent past.

But I think the feminists should have stopped while they were ahead.

Before I go any further, let me clarify: I know that women often times HAVE to work; some for a short time, others for a lifetime. You gotta do what you gotta do.

I do not think that women were designed for this working outside the house thing.

Yup. I just wrote that.

Before you get all worked up, let me explain.

As a little girl, all I wanted was to get married and be a mom. Like many girls, I had dolls and a play kitchen set. Unlike many girls, my kid sized table had a tablecloth and napkins that matched the decor of my room. And very unlike other girls, I made my own washer and dryer out of looseleaf paper and scotch tape.

Then I went to school. And just so happened to be quite good at it. So between academics and all those other activities you're supposed to do in order to be "well-rounded" I got swept up in being smart enough and good enough to be anything I wanted when I grew up, so long as it involved several advanced degrees.

Somehow in getting those advanced degrees* it occurred to me to include a husband and a family in the equation. Which pretty much meant that I decided I was going to be Super Woman.

I was going to have an amazing, fulfilling, successful career AND be an attentive wife AND be the mom with homemade cookies.

My first two years out of school, I worked hard at my career. Got there early and stayed late sort of hard. I ate all three meals at my desk some days. Friends were for weekends only. I was determined to be a licensed architect by 30. ** Yes, I was tired but it was worth it, right?***

Fast forward to now and the "economic downturn"... Instead of letting anyone go at work, we all took pay cuts. Since I get paid by the hour, this means that I now work fewer hours.

At first, I was pretty upset. I still miss the rest of my paycheck. But I now have an extra day off each week and I only have to put in 8 hours each day, leaving me with plenty of spare time.

Over the past several months I have: tiled a shower, baked several cakes, made cards, organized some of the house, run tons of errands, cooked some amazing dinners, baked bread, cleaned the dog/cat fur more regularly, made my own household cleaners, etc.

I have felt more like myself than I have in years. It's an amazing feeling to feel like yourself. I'm really happy when I'm cutting veggies or painting something or straightening up the house. And if my activity does something to help someone or brighten their day, even better.

Which got me to thinking... maybe the dream I had as a little girl wasn't so crazy. Maybe this was what I was meant to do.

Many of my friends (myself included) are quite good at their jobs. We patiently deal with clients each day, create order out of chaos, juggle super human workloads and get people to play nice. As women, we're nurturing and that's what makes us great sales executives and project managers. We're motivated by a job done well and efficiently and not as much by the dollar.

As a result, we're tired and stressed. Worse, we're left feeling unfulfilled. This brokenness starts to spill over into all aspects of our lives and that cannot possibly be a good thing.

Which brings me back to my point. While we're clearly capable of doing all kinds of work, we're simply not designed to do it at a 9-5 job.****

Please join me as we start a revolution. We are aspiring domestic divas. We will be the women God designed us to be.

We will go to college, graduate, and get jobs. We will not lose ourselves in work or have jobs that leave us drained.

And when we're at home, we will not be ashamed to admit that we like cooking or keeping house. We will not be ashamed of our ability to throw an impromptu dinner party or sew cute pillows.

And when we get married... watch out, world!

I would like to suggest that an aspiring domestic diva work less than full time after she gets married. She can bring in some extra money to be set aside for the future but still have the time and energy to care for her husband and her home. We will not be ashamed to admit that we like having a decent meal ready for the husband when he gets home from work.

And when there are kids, we will not be embarrassed about wanting to spend as much time as possible with our children. If we're lucky enough to be able to stay home full-time (or even part-time), we will put all those job skills to good use: We [will] patiently deal with [kids] each day, create order out of chaos, juggle super human workloads and get people to play nice.

We will not feel as if we're wasting our education or that we've fallen off the career ladder. Everything we're doing now is simply training and experience for our careers as domestic divas.

An aspiring domestic diva is smart, capable and talented. She cares for those around her whether friends, a pet or a husband and kids. She is who God made her to be and not who the world wants her to be.

I'm excited to tell you more about this revolution. Stay tuned...

* In case you care, I have degrees in Journalism and Architecture. I work for an architecture firm.
** This could happen if I would study. People watching is more fun.
*** However, very difficult to add "husband" to the equation if you're so busy working that you don't have the time or energy to be social.
**** For those women who truly enjoy their careers, good for you! A woman's perspective is much needed in the workplace.

living single

2009-04-07T22:49:00.002-04:00

I should start with this: I've started this post a few times but never posted for fear of offending people. So I apologize in advance if anyone is offended.

I love my life as a single woman: I have really amazing friends. I own an adorable little house. Riley and Linus are really good roommates.

Yes, it's hard sometimes to be single. But I'm hopeful that will change one day.

What's bothered me lately is this: Married women often make me feel like I don't matter.** (Yikes! There, I said it out loud.)

They talk down to me. I feel like some stupid college kid even though I'm about the same age.

They prattle on about their lives but rarely appear interested in mine. I guess since I don't have a husband, nothing in my life is worth mentioning.

Perhaps this seems ridiculous.

But I'd really like to get to know some of the married women around me. I realize that I can't be best friends with them but I would like to be better acquainted. Besides, diversity is what makes life interesting. If we put the obvious married/single difference aside, I'm sure we'd find that we had several things in common.

I could make a better effort to get to know some of these women. But it's hard after you get shut down so many times.

So I find myself drifting further and further into the single's club. ***

** There are married women who I love dearly and don't know what I'd do without them.
*** Y'all are awesome!

cool place in Arkansas

2008-10-14T21:26:00.002-04:00

I know, I know. What could possibly be cool to look at in Arkansas? Check this out:
http://architectureandmorality.blogspot.com/2008/10/architectural-delicacy-thorncrown.html

Finding a Voice

2008-09-14T22:21:00.003-04:00

Several months ago, it was conveyed to me that much of what goes on in my head is worth sharing.

This had never occurred to me before.

I've been thinking alot about that over the past few months and finally got around to talking about it with Traci and Julie. I'm still thinking about it.

Here's the scary part: Essentially, I've been telling myself that I don't matter.

Yikes!

The more I think about it, the more I realize how little I use my voice: I don't often offer an opinion in a conversation, even with friends. I rarely call anyone for a chat. I'm resistant to Twitter, blogging, Facebook, etc. I simply cannot imagine that anyone could possibly be that interested in what I have to say. Even in discussions (i.e. times when opinions are being tossed around), I just don't think that anything I have to say will contribute very much to what's already being said.

I can't actually think of a time when anyone came right out and told me that what I had to say didn't matter. It's difficult for me to verbalize what I'm thinking sometimes and there have been some awkward moments on my part but still, no one has ever told me to stop talking.

The work I do all day long involves throwing ideas around until a solution is reached. I'm friends with people who love to think. I would like to participate but I just can't seem to get myself unstuck from saying nothing or acting like I don't think.

So if I don't feel like I have anything to say, then why I am writing this? In part, maybe it's that by sharing I'll realize how ridiculous it is and will be able to convince myself that I do have the right to have a voice.

I've been told numerous times that I'm passionate, intelligent, and talented. Assuming that's true, then I'm not living up to my potential by keeping my mouth shut.

My desire is to help people (more on that another time. that's a post of it's own). What I'm realizing is that in order to do that, I need to find my voice. If not ultimately so I can talk about myself all the time, then eventually for the greater good of other people.

As I was looking up a quote from Gandhi (We must be the change we wish to see), I came across this one:

"The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within."

Smart guy that Gandhi.

ballet and theatre

2008-09-08T23:14:00.002-04:00

I love, love, love ballet and theatre. Yet for some reason, I never go. Here are some shows I'd like to see:
Carolina Ballet
Messiah
Nutcracker

Broadway Series South
Chicago
Stomp

Theatre in the Park
A Christmas Carol

Playmakers Repertory Company
The Glass Menagerie

burnt out

2008-09-08T22:45:00.002-04:00

I've officially reached burn out.

I've been insanely busy before. I've been pretty tired before. I've juggled more things than should be possible. I've dealt with devastating family issues and still kept going. I did it all and then some and still had plenty of energy to do more.

But the past few months have been pretty rough. I've been beyond tired. I can't remember the last time my head or throat didn't hurt. I've gained weight. I'm disorganized. I don't make my bed every day.

There have been a few times lately that I've truly had a chance to relax. Each time I've thought "This is what I'm missing. This is how everyone else must feel most of the time."

So I'm getting back on track by slowing down, relaxing, and learning to say no.

Art

2008-09-01T22:21:00.002-04:00

While we were at the NC Museum of Art this weekend, Bernie overheard a kid say "I could do that."

Which got me to thinking. Why do people always say that about modern art?

[The artist we were looking at is Julie Mehretu and her work is way more detailed than it seems at a distance.]

Admitedly, I've seen some splatters on canvas and probably even some mostly blank canvases displayed. I've seen piles of junk and scribbles. I'm a fairly abstract thinker and I've definitely seen things that I don't get.

What I don't think people realize is that this is how these artists express themselves. It's how they communicate. We all have some way that we communicate who we are and what we're thinking. Artists are just crazy enough to put it on canvas and display it.

It's never as simple as it looks.

I say this, but I think everyone can create their own artwork. You don't have to be able to explain it. Part of the expression is in the doing.

The best part about abstract art is that there aren't any rules. You can do anything you want with any medium you want.

I realize that most people haven't done any kind of art since elementary school. But if you're reading this, then I encourage you to give it a try this week. Find some paint or crayons and go crazy. =)

Motivation

2008-08-26T21:37:00.004-04:00

Anyone who has been around me lately has probably heard me complaining about my job. (sorry.) Which leaves even me wondering why I keep working there.

Back when I decided to go to grad school for architecture, I decided that I wanted to do something different. I wanted to help people, not just design fancy things for fancy clients.

Fast forward a few years to my first year of grad school. A professor invites me to a conference called "Structure for Inclusion." Guess what I learned? People actually do help people with architecture. Amazing!

Since then, I've learned of several organizations and fellowships that exist for this purpose. I've even been to Africa with one such organization.

So clearly it's entirely possible to make this happen. I should remember this and not lose sight of my goal. I know this.

What's stopping me then? Experience for one. Most positions with these organizations require about 5 years of experience (I have 3) and management experience. The two that I'm most interested in are headquartered in San Francisco. I've always lived here so moving that far away would be pretty huge.

Beyond that, I think I just get disillusioned with an average day in the architecture world. It's very driven by developers who have lots of money but very little taste and by bureaucrats who wield power by enforcing rules.

Despite all my complaining, I know there are several things keeping me at my current job which will benefit me if/when I do make the jump to the next step: doing projects for non-profits, participating in AFH competitions, heading up Canstruction, taking 2 weeks off to go on an emi trip, and piles of management experience that I shouldn't have had yet.

Even though this is several years off (and even if I never do large scale architecture do-gooding), I'm trying to make a point to not let all the every day junk get me down. So if you hear me complaining, please remind me that there is a point to all the craziness.

Balance

2008-08-24T17:14:00.002-04:00

I've lost my sense of balance lately.

Until a little over a year ago, my life was always heavily weighted toward school and school related activities. Even with grad school being so consuming, I still felt more even than I do now.

For the first time in my life, there is no obvious next thing. In school, I knew that the end of a semester would be packed but there would be a break soon. Besides, someone else had planned that for me. Who was I to argue with a few days off?

But now my time is my own. Even my work schedule is more or less up to me. Yet I don't take advantage of it like I should.

Instead, I tend to swing between extremes. One week I'll work too much, not see or talk to people at all, completely forget to visit with God, never make it to the gym and not eat a single meal that isn't a sandwich. The next week will be the total opposite.

The result is that I'm exhausted. I don't even feel human some days.

What I've got to learn to do is balance my life. There are some things that I have to do and a whole bunch more that I want to do.

Some of the things that I "have" to do are all in my head. I get stuck there sometimes and usually need help getting unstuck. That seems to be what's really throwing me off balance.

With balance comes order. I like order. The lack of it is making me crazy.

High School Jeopardy!

2008-08-19T19:16:00.001-04:00

you know you're watching high school Jeopardy! when the category title is "Really Old Movies" and the answers are Goonies and ET.

Star Wars

2008-07-31T22:39:00.002-04:00

I have to watch Star Wars.

It's been declared as an internship requirement. Apparently people born before 1977 can't believe that there are people who haven't seen them.

I'll need company watching them. Let me know when you want to have a Star Wars marathon.

blog envy

2008-07-31T22:34:00.002-04:00

I suffer from blog envy.

I'm evnvious of people who post serious thoughts on their blogs all the time. Or people who have something really interesting to post about.

So maybe I'll give this a try and just post what's in my head.

It turned out to be a really good day

2008-05-22T22:42:00.003-04:00

This morning, I did not want to go to work. It's not been a place I've enjoyed very much today. I much rather would have sat at Panera all morning with Julie and Traci.

So I get to work and the other intern finishes something he was doing for me without being asked. Then I get a phone call from a contractor (he talks to me like I know what's going on. good guy.) and have to ask the project manager what to do and he totally lets me just deal with it on my own. There was a cookout at a printing company today and I convinced all four designers to go together. It was the first time any of us have done something together voluntarily. After lunch, my boss sat down with me and helped me find all the bits for my project. Then I met my parents at North Hills and listened to beach music. While we were there, I bumped into my favorite little people. While I was walking Riley tonight, one of my neighbors offered to share flowers with me. Then Derek kissed Meredith on Gray's.

Good day.

Drag Bingo

2008-05-22T21:55:00.003-04:00

Pictures are finally up! Sorry that it's taken so long. I went to download the pictures after I got home that night only to find that my computer had died. It's fixed now so here there are:

Bernie, Sam, and Daniel are ready to play some Bingo.

The performances this time were much more entertaining this month. (Ok, except for one that was a little much.) The queens have definitely been practicing their moves.

Who's that in the green shirt? Julianne, did you miss O69?

Bernie and Mary KMart after she gave his brother a birthday wakeup call.

Being Me

2008-04-02T22:31:00.004-04:00

I think I'm becoming an introvert.

This is a little weird to me.

Maybe I've been one all along and never knew it.

I've had to learn alot about myself lately. I've learned alot that I'm not ready to talk about yet. But it's been refreshing to find that maybe I'm not weird but maybe I'm just myself. And that's okay.

you won't believe what my mom suggested

2008-03-18T22:41:00.001-04:00

speed dating.

yes, really.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

2008-03-18T20:38:00.002-04:00

I thought I knew. But the more I do it, the more I'm not so sure.

It's not that I don't like being an architect. I really do.

Ok, let's back up a bit. I'm not actually an architect. Yet. I do almost everything a "real" architect does. But legally, I'm not actually one. And I won't be for at least two more years. I still have some internship requirements to meet and a bunch of exams to take.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. And on Monday, Ryan was joking with me and said "But you need to make a decision for when you're a real architect." I said "I don't want to be an architect when I grow up."

Which of course made him ask why.

It's that I don't see the point. I thought there was a point to being a licensed architect. But I've lost what that is right now.

I guess you can work for yourself or maybe get paid more. But those things don't particularly motivate me right now. There's also the fact that my 3 1/2 years of grad school will be pretty much pointless if I don't get licensed.

Architecture is a profession. Something that you practice, not just an ordinary job. Being licensed means getting the respect that comes with being a professional.

Not being a real architect means way less stress, responsibility and thinking. I could pretty much keep doing what I'm doing with less stress for several more years before anyone would take issue with my not being licensed. So why keep doing it? It's better than retail.

I'm just so stressed out. I go to work and I'm just stressed. I don't know why but I am.

I keep thinking that maybe I'll just show up at work, do what needs doing, and not care beyond that.

But can I be okay with that? With merely just punching a clock?

I was told today that I was better than just being a draftsman my whole life.

Maybe I am. But what's the point?

At this point, I have to make a choice. Either continue to be a glorified CAD monkey or take the initiative to become more than that.

I just wish I knew what being a real architect really got me.

Links

2008-03-18T20:37:00.001-04:00

I need some more blogging help:
How do I put links in? I think I tried one time a while ago and they never showed up.

why?

2008-03-06T22:01:00.002-05:00

I'm a big fan of this question. I don't often come up with many answers though.

This week I've been wondering "Why?" alot.

Why work hard when just getting by is acceptable?

Why do I care?

Why do I have to go to work all day long?

Why do bad things happen and why don't people want to talk about it?

Why don't I let myself be exactly who God wants me to be?

Why is Satan such a jerk?

Why can't I block him out?

Why do I let myself get stressed out?

Why can't I just see what's in front of me?

Why does Riley think he's walking me?

Why can't I make a decsion?

Wii

2008-03-02T22:24:00.003-05:00

If you have not Wii-ed, then you must find someone who has one and beg them to let you play. Not only do my arms still hurt from boxing, running, swimming, and hammer throwing, but my abs are in pain from laughing.

If you find my Facebook page and watch the videos Carly posted, then you'll see what I mean.

subtlety

2008-02-22T23:44:00.002-05:00

Tonight we were talking about subtlety. In particular, do men get things we girls do and do we get things they do? Or all we all trying so hard to be subtle that we miss it all? We didn't exactly come to any conclusions.

Somehow this lead to a pretty hilarious conversation on pickup lines. Suggestions ranged from "do you have a pen?" to "You're attractive and I want to have your babies." Danielle and Danielle definitely had very different styles. Julie was working the batting of her eyes.

Somehow in all this I recapped Henry Cloud's book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping." (As much as I hate dating advice books, this one is pretty good. He goes beyond dating and talks alot about good social skills.)

One of the bits of advice in this book is to just practice talking to people whenever you have a chance. Which got us back to pickup lines.

Not one of our ideas was in the least bit sublte. Hilarious but not sublte.

As we were leaving, Julie says to Andy and Will, "You're both attractive. Which one of you wants to take me to dinner?"

Hilarious. Unsubtle. Brilliant.

Family

2008-02-19T21:40:00.002-05:00

A friend loaned me the first season of Brothers and Sisters on DVD. (Shame on her. All I've done since Sunday is watch TV.) She said she liked the show becasuse it reminds her of her own family.

A few great things about the show are the amazing house and the size of the family (five kids). My favorite thing about the show is how much of a mess each character is. They've all got their own set of issues and unlike many tv shows, they're reasonably realistic issues.

Another friend mentioned how the family just talks about things and gets it out there.

A while back I was talking to someone about how my family never, ever talks about things. Some pretty tragic, serious, scary and messed up stuff has happened in my life and none of it has ever been discussed between me and my parents. There are events, that now even over 10 years later, I'm still not sure what happened.

My question is this: Do families talk to each other like the one in the show? Or is my family just weird because we don't?

online dating

2008-02-16T21:19:00.003-05:00

Let me start by saying that I neither condone nor condemn online dating. I'm by no means knocking it; I'm just saying that I'm not feeling it.

I've known people for whom it's been a positive experience. They've gone on dates, met some interesting people and had some funny stories to tell. One person I know even met her fiance online.

To be clear, I'm content with my singleness.

Lately though, I've had several people start in on me as to what I was doing to meet new people (At least two of those people just want me to be able to hang out with them more, being as they're married and do couple things.) Most recently my mom asked me about it.

In my defense, I was on a four year leave of absence from real life.

It seems that online dating has come up in conversation quite a bit lately. And today I had to explain to my mom why I wasn't participating. She even quoted Dr. Phil. (ugh.)

My understanding of these services is this: you answer multiple guess questions about yourself, a computer runs some matches, and then you pay a fee each month to wink at people in hopes that someone will want to start communicating with you.

I don't know about you, but I am much more complex than a multiple guess question. Besides the fact that I'd much rather meet someone who complimented me rather than meeting someone who was the same as me. And meeting someone based on an online profile seems so one dimensional to me.

I think that instead of paying the fee for this service I could use that money to do activites I enjoy. Seems like more fun that way. It's not all about "meeting someone" that way. That would just be an added bonus. I'd be much more myself than I would be having to meet some stranger for dinner.

I'm holding out for God's best. Not that the online method isn't a way to that. It's just that I think God is more creative than that.

confrontation

2008-02-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

Normally, I hate confrontation. Avoid it at all possible costs. Don't even consider it as an option. Brush it under the rug as "it'll get better" or "I'm over-reacting" or "it's not my place" or any number of other excuses.

I'm learning to like it.

I can't believe I just said that.

After a good solid year of repeatedly feeling disrespected by a manager at work, I've decided that I'd had enough.

After another manager convinced me to stand up to him, he got in my face and yelled. We then had the same conversation that we've had about the issue for the past year.

I tried just sucking it up and doing the work and not letting it get to me. The work got done but I was miserable.

I tried making excuses about being humble but I couldn't seem to reconcile what I understand about Jesus with being a doormat.

I realized that I had three choices: 1. let him continue to disrespect me, 2. find a new job, and 3. talk to my boss about it. By not saying anything I felt like I was enabling the situation. By leaving I lose out big time. I like my job alot. There are tons of reasons why I don't want to get a new job. (More on that another time. I'm still a little (ok, alot) blown away by it.)

Leaving option number three.

My boss was totally cool with me talking to him. He even suggested that I talk more with this manager and with the others that also work for him. I felt somewhat like we were ganging up on the guy. But I asked my boss for help in the situation and this is what he suggested.

We made sure to present him with positives and with some concrete actions he could take to help prevent this tension from developing.

Part of my feels really badly for making such a fuss. The rest of me feels darn good that I was able to talk to him without crying or backing down, all while knowing that my boss was totally cool with me talking to this guy.

This isn't to say that I don't take some responsibility for the tension. I do take things he's said a little too personally sometimes. I actually really think this guy is a good guy which is probably why it bothers me so much that I have issues working with him.

However...

I know full well that this is going to happen again. He'll treat me better for a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a few months. And then it's going to happen again. I'd like to be optimistic about it.

It's no longer an isolated incident. We can't get along with everyone all the time. But we're in this cycle. It happens to other people in the office. But it's out there in the open now.

All this to say that I'm actually feeling good about the situation. It was an exhausting afternoon.

Advice from my mentor was this: how I handle this situation is going to set the tone for how I handle my career from here on out. It's also going to set the tone for how much I repsect myself and impact my life beyond work. (darn him. he has a trend toward being right all too often.)

If nothing else, it shows that I'm willing to man up to the tension and attempt to wrestle with it and deal with it.

It seems better just being able to say that I"m not okay with something.

I've previously been a world champion faker. I'm done. Finished.

house pictures (finally)

2008-02-13T22:13:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Jones Street! This is my house. It was built around 1920 and is a bungalow style house. Keep scrolling down for more pictures.

the living room. the panel door on the left goes to a bedroom.

The fireplace in the living room.

The bathroom. You can't tell from the picture, but it was paneled around the existing elements.

Dining room. Seriously sagging floors in this room.

Kitchen (an appropriate Go Heels! color) Definitely major demolition scheduled for this room.

That's all. There are 2 bedrooms and a back den area but there's not much to see so I didn't post pictures*. If you ever get bored or frustrated and want to peel some paint or wallpaper, just call.

* Thanks to my picture-posting coach for explaining how to put pictures on this thing.

actually remembering to blog: take 463

2008-02-10T22:01:00.000-05:00

So clearly my attempts to keep up with blogging haven't gone so well yet again...

I think it's a little weird to post things that go on in my head on the internets. Maybe it's a nice way to keep people up to date with my life. (of course, then I wonder who on earth is reading this.) The problem is that I can't give a simple play-by-play without going off on tangents. Hence my most recent nickname of "spaghetti girl." I could write for hours. Maybe I should aim for a little bit each night.

Thought for the week (ok, the past couple of weeks): Where's the line between humility and doormat-ity?

** house pictures coming as soon as I find the USB cable.

new (old) house

2008-01-22T21:54:00.000-05:00

Soon you will see pictures of my house! (when I figure out how to get them on here.)

Per a really good suggestion, I'm going to keep track of my crazy house remodeling adventure through this blog thing. (which I have also never quite figured out.)

The house was built around 1920. So there are 87 years of paint/wallpaper/gosh-knows-what to be stripped/resurfaced/otherwise demolished.

Check back later this week and I'll at least have a link to pictures up here.

a million thoughts

2007-05-07T22:42:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. I'd like to be able to write a coherent post on each of them, but I can't seem to get all the thoughts to stop colliding long enough.

I graduated almost five months ago. I never have to go back to school again. Ever. Which slightly makes my head spin because now I really can get on with the real life I've dreamed about.

Which makes me wonder what real life is. I thought my life would look different when I was approaching 26 1/2. I'm a "grown up" now. Whatever that means. Maybe I should do grownup things. Take a trip to Home Depot or something. I thought I'd be married by 27. I thought I'd take myself way more seriously. I thought I'd be able to sit still without giggling or fidgeting.

Instead, I find myself doing a whole lot of having fun/nothing. I know some pretty amazing people around here. I'm pretty much always amazed at how great a community that God has put me in. I don't know what I'd do without these people. Whether it's all hanging out together or sitting on the porch talking to a few people, it's just good.

Even when it's not. Even when I'm upset by things people do. Even when I feel all alone and like I've got no one to talk to. Even when I feel all dark and twisty like Meredith Grey. I know that I have to get over myself and open up and that people around me love me anyway.

I feel like I talk about myself alot. I feel like I use the word "alot" alot. I don't like to bring attention to myself. Please don't misunderstand that. (ok, and I feel like I'm misunderstood all the time.) It's just that I'd rather focus on other people.

Which means that I actually like doign things like cooking for people or whatever. And I think that's scary to some people. It's too much somehow. I try to tone it down, really, I do. It scares people. (And by people, I mean boy people.) I'm not exactly super-ready to be all house-wifey or anything but isn't it supposed to be a good thing that I can handle domestic things?

I've started looking at buying a house. What an adventure that's starting to become... more on that another day. For now, let's just say that I'm excited. Even thought i have absolutely no clue as to where I'll be in 2 or 3 years.

All this makes me wonder just what God is up to in my life. I'm pretty confused right now. What on earth am I doing? I can go anywhere and do anything. Missions? Peace Corps? Rose Fellowship? Keep on working? Does it matter? Is working for a non-Christian group okay if I do humanitarian work?

Because right now, I can't have what I want. And I don't like not getting what I want.

I don't like being called overdramatic. I don't like feeling overdramatic. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be feminine.

I've been stuck in the boat lately. And every time I feel like stepping out of it, I feel myself getting pulled back in. For so long, I talked about jumping out of the boat and holding onto Christ's hand and just going. I'm getting tired of paddling. I want the faith to get out of the boat.

near... far...

2007-02-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

(if you know what childhood show the title is from, you win.)

Who is your neighbor?

That's what has been asked lately, along with some insight on the good Samaritian story. Jeramie and Jeff have both had really good things to say. And there have been some cool discussions as a result.

Lately, I've been torn between being here in the States or being in sub-Saharan Africa.

Either way, I have a pretty rough idea of what God will have me doing. I'm not real worried about that. It's just a question of where.

[As a side note, I don't often like people to know that I went to NC State. It has nothing to do with sports. In fact, I don't want people to know that I have too much education. I'd much rather be seen as a godly woman rather than a career woman. Long story short, God has long since been leading me to meet people's needs. I have the ability to create spaces and built environments that can help other people help people. I don't do relational ministry. I'm not a teacher. I'm not a doctor or a nurse. But I can help those people change the world.]

Seeing poverty here in the US is hard because it's in stark contrast to most of the rest of us. How can the richest, most powerful country in the whole world have people who are going hungry? It's hard to see people go to work and struggle to keep their families fed and warm. But I'm not sure how I fit into making a difference. I don't do politics or policy. I'm not good at relational things, which is what I'm finding is a huge need here: some people to take the time to invest in a person's life and help teach them and encourage them toward some good decisions. Are there plenty of ways that I can help those people do that? Probably. But thus far, I haven't had the opportunity to do so. (Maybe not entirely true. The project I designed just needs funding. And is held up in city policy limbo.)

I don't know if it's frustration with the way poverty is handled here or if God is leading my heart in a different direction.

Here's where the confusion sets in: I leave for Africa in a few weeks. And I am more excited than I can possibly handle. I get to do what I've been talking about for so long. The more I read about Africa, particularly Sub-Saharan, the more I know that I cannot possibly stay here. I wish I could explain it better. Maybe God will explain it to me while I'm there.

Because that's almost a total 180 from what I've been up to the past few years. A while back, some of us started hanging out around Chavis Park near downtown. We've had a few cookouts, done some daycamp, mostly painted a house, and adopted a few families we met. All really great stuff. I guess I kind of started alot of it. I worry that people see me as the local outreach girl. And lately, I haven't been comfortable with that. So I've been real excited to see at least one home group at Visio Dei really jump on getting involved down there. Perhaps all I had to do was get the ball rolling and now other people can take it on without me.

Regardless, I'm here full time for the next few years. I should at least finish my internship hours. (A few more years of experience is probably a good idea. We don't want things falling down on people.) And if I got that far, I should maybe just go ahead and take my AREs. If I'm legal in the US, I should be legit pretty much anywhere.

Ideally, I'd never have to choose. I'd spend part of my year here and part in Africa (and maybe other places.) If poverty is a global problem, why can't I approach it from different angles? Logistically, I have no clue as to how that might actually happen. I think that's the part I'm looking forward to: seeing how God has it all planned out. Because part of that definitely involves some huge life decisions. And that's exciting.

I'm ready for some serious revolution in my life. I think this is a good start.

cell phones

2007-02-06T19:50:00.000-05:00

Generally, in order to get a new cell phone, you have to sign a two year contract.

You have a phone. It probably doesn't work very well. You'd like one that works better. You realize that you could have a better one. You know there are better ones out there.

Instead, you settle.

not a burning bush, but still pretty cool

2007-01-07T22:03:00.000-05:00

Read this last night:
"You want to know why seeing stark evil hasn't made me rough or bitter? Remember, I said it was God who was prying the little girl's hands off her eyes. As if He were saying, 'I can't use ivory-tower followers. They're plaster of paris, they crumble and fall apart in life's press. So you've got to see life the way it really is before you can do anything about evil. You cannot vanquish it. I can. But in My world the battle against evil has to be a joint endeavor. You and Me. I, God, in you, can have the victory every time.'"
Christy by Catherine Marshall

Crazy how God speaks in random places. This is a fiction book that I've been reading. (It keeps finding its way to the top of the stack of serious Christian books I've got.)

I've been praying alot about why bad stuff has happened to me. And why God would want to use me if I'm such a mess. And why it is that I see the bad stuff and feel compelled to do anything about it.

invisible

2007-01-03T22:10:00.000-05:00

I don't like being ignored.

It hurts my feelings. I take it way too personally.

I assume (perhaps wrongly? not sure) that I'm friends with the people around me. So when I get treated differently by one of those people, I freak out.

What happens is that I decide that I must have done something to make them dislike me. Which makes me more awkward than I am on a normal basis. And then it's all downhill from there.

It makes me feel invisible. Like I don't matter. Like it wouldn't matter if I was there or not because they want to avoid me anyway.

It's been a battle. Me versus Satan. Frankly, he wins way more that I'd like to admit.

I know that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. That I shouldn't care because God loves me and that's all I need. But it still bothers me to think that I ever did anything to push someone away from being my friend.

complicated

2006-12-31T00:37:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back.
Men are complicated.

done

2006-12-20T23:20:00.000-05:00

3.5 years. 1 master's degree.

wow. I graduated today.

It hasn't hit me yet.

I've learned alot about what it means to obey. Even when it makes no sense. Even when I'm tired. Even when I've been told to quit.

I'm excited. Really excited.

God has big plans. He's shown me glimpses.

It's going to be awesome.

alone

2006-12-18T00:19:00.000-05:00

Last week, Jeff emailed out a question, asking us to tell about a time in our life when we felt the most alone.

I purposefully didn't respond. I didn't want to think about it. And I certainly didn't want to hear my answer read in front of people. I almost didn't go this morning.

I feel alone most of the time.

I'm around tons of people who love me. All the time.

By worldly standards (and to be honest, most anyone's standard), I have it all: plenty of friends, an amazing job with people who also care about me, two degrees from good schools, the list keeps going...

God loves me. My friends love me. My parents love me.

Yet I can stand in a room and be completely alone.

Now let me say that I don't feel like God has left me. He's here. Right now. I've seen him do some pretty big things. And the Bible says so. I know God is still hanging out.

Let me also say that my friends are incredible. I get invited places. We do nothing together. I live with three other people and there are people here constantly. They threw me my first (and the best) surprise party ever.

So what's my problem? How can I say that I'm alone?

I don't know. But I cried this morning. Alot.

I couldn't move from my seat. I tried to pray and tears came. Jason said to stand and worship and there was no way I could.

There are days when I believe what the title of this blog is. That the Truth has set me free from the junk that's happened in my life. Set me free from myself.

But there are days when I feel like everything is happening around me and I'm just watching. LIke there's a barrier between me and them.

The worst part?

Nobody knows.

I feel badly. I feel like a fraud.

And I keep waiting to be found out. Or rescued.

The thing is, I feel selfish for even feeling this way. There are people with much bigger problems. Much worse problems. People are hungry, dying of awful diseases, being abused. And here I am in my yuppie existence whining about how alone I feel.

Which all makes me feel even more separated from the people around me. Like no one can relate to me because I'm so messed up.

I suppose the positive is that I get suffering. I want to fix it. And sometimes I'm convinced that God is with me on that.

But Satan is bound and determined to stop us. So he makes me feel alone. And convinces me that I am.

I want to put my fingers in my ears and scream at him: "I'm not listening! You're a liar!"

Because how could I possibly be alone?

Until then, I cry.

I cry for myself. I cry for those who hurt.

golfing

2006-06-11T23:16:00.000-04:00

I need to learn to play golf. Or rather, I need to learn to hit a golf ball without totally embarrassing myself. And I should probably learn the rules too.

First of all, I don't play games with sticks and balls so well. Hitting a little tiny ball with a long stick just doesn't sound like a great idea to me. I hammer like lightning strikes: never in the same place twice.

Then there's the whole golfing culture. Do people actually golf because they like it? Or because it means you get to do business while being outside? This whole schmoozing thing is why I have to learn to play the silly game. I thought only lawyers and business people played, but I've learned that architects are all about some golf.

Golf requires special equipment. And apparently you can't just use a man's clubs. It's like using his toothbrush. So then how are you supposed to learn if you don't have clubs? There are so many sticks to pick from. Why are there so many? Why can't you just have one? And then there are those special shoes which I don't get at all. The only cool part would be getting to wear crazy plaid pants. I actually have a picture of my grandfather and his buddies in gosh-awful plaid golf gear. It could be a greeting card, really.

So, if anyone is brave enough to spend a few hours with me waving a stick at a tiny ball...

Freedom! (until mid-August anyway)

2006-05-16T20:51:00.000-04:00

I'm free! At least until classes start back in August... One more semester and then I'll be done with my 7 1/2 years of higher education. Forever.

I like having free time after work. I can hang out, cook, send emails, read dumb chic lit, watch movies, work out... It's such a refreshing feeling to know that I don't have anything hanging over my head when I come home. I feel like I'm going to get to be myself this summer. And that the people I've known for a while now might actually get to know me. I'm much more interesting when I'm not dead exhausted. (Coherent is a magical thing.)

Maybe I'll even blog more...

New Orleans and optimism

2006-03-14T22:57:00.000-05:00

so I"m back. thing is, I never know quite what to blog about... so I guess I'll tell you about my New Orleans class today.

Obviously, hurricane Katrina was really awful. From a design point of view though, it gives the city a chance to correct some of the major wrongdoings. and it gives the rest of us a chance to learn from all those mistakes. But how do we apply what we learned from NO? I think that architects, planners, etc need to practice what we preach. We talk all day long in classes about how sprawl is a bad thing (and very much was in NO... they sprawled out into the swamp, never a good place to build, and the place flooded) but no one is willing to give up what's needed to live in a more urban city. Change lies with my generation, but what I'm hearing from my classmates is that they're not willing to make even small changes in their own lives to become that difference. In my opinion, you lose the right to whine and complain when you refuse to become part of the solution. I fully believe that we all have the potential to change the world, if only we're willing. Perhaps my classmates are tainted by a world view of always looking out for themselves. But if we're the ones who are educated on the built environment, shouldn't we be the ones working to change all that?

I got pretty shot down in class today for my optimism and I'm okay with that. I'm not willing to let their negative opinions taint that. I really am convinced that if we educate the public on what it is that we deal with everyday, that we can start to reverse (or at least stop) the way we currently live.

have you ever...?

2005-09-18T00:16:00.000-04:00

have you ever known one person that made you smile so much that it hurt? (in a good way, of course.) have you ever known someone that just really did it for you? have you ever looked into someone's eyes and felt like you could stay awhile? have you ever known someone that takes the neat little world you've created for yourself and turns it upside down? (again, in a good way.)

So what do you do? you don't want to be the person that always wants to "talk" because you're not that needy. you're really much more independent than that. you live by phrases like "why not?" and "you don't know unless you try." you refuse to let fear of the unknown stop you from what God has prepared for you. but how do you let that person know all this without being pathetic?

Bring on the Holy Spirit!

2005-08-22T00:55:00.000-04:00

Those of you who know me well know that I don't often get emotional. I think that I had cried myself out several years ago. Even spiritual things rarely move me to tears. But lately, that's been different.

It all started with this: I've been stuggling lately with whether or not I played it too safe by staying in Raleigh. This is where I grew up and where my parents live again. I really feel like I'm here still for a reason and that God is up to something really huge. But it's not so much doubt that I'm doing the right thing. Perhaps by staying, I'm really giving something up? I had wanted to move to Boston and that won't be happening anytime soon, if at all. So by staying am I doing God's will and helping to advance his kingdom right where I am?

And this was somewhat brought on by the start of school and anticipating the stress that comes with architecture school. I've been in school for 20 years. This is my seventh year of higher education. I've had quite enough. Every semester I wonder "what was I thinking?"

So... Today at church we started a new series. And guess what it's on? The fruit of the Spirit! Yay! Those two short verses in Galatians are some of my absolute favorite! And possibly one of my biggest challenges. I desparately want to walk by the Spirit. I'd much rather the Holy Spirit be in charge of my life than my flesh. Today we started with love. One point that Pastor Mike made was the love registers profoundly in people's lives. This is when it all started to get me. That is so much what I want to do: show people God's love for them. I so often want to love people but I don't always feel like I'm so succesful at it. I get selfish and tired and just plain icky. But I really, really want to put others before me. I want the Spirit to show me how to do this and God to give me the energy to do this because I really don't do so well at it on my own.

To add to this, tonight we talked about treasures in heaven. Luke 12:34 says "for where your treasure is, there will be your heart also." Well, I want my treasure to be in heaven. I want everything I do to be making God smile. This doesn't always have to be as drastic as making a career of doing this, but in my case, that's exactly what it is. I want to give people hope. Hope that God loves them and that He's got awesome things in store for them. I want to touch lives and I want to do it through love.

Right.... so all of this makes me want to shout for joy and fall on my knees before the Lord. Kind of a switch in emotions, huh? So did I make the right choice by staying and working like crazy to do architecture? I think so. I'm really excited to see what God is up to. Overwhelmed at times, but excited.

Thanks for reading all the way through this. =) Have a good week!

an off day

2005-08-17T01:06:00.000-04:00

so you know it's going to be an interesting day when you realize that you've brushed your teeth at least twice, can't remember if you fed the dog or not, and leave the house with your coffee in a regular mug and not a travel one...

It didn't turn out to be a bad day by any means. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I just had an icky day. I only worked a half day since school starts tomorrow and then I went to the mall. I just came home feeling really blah. Kathryn made shrimp and grits (yummy!) for dinner tonight and that vastly improved my day. Then we Goodwilled and Targeted. But you know, I'm still dragging. Maybe it's just the dreading of school? I dunno... Because I haven't had an icky day in quite some time. I usually have really good days. Blah.

Anywho, I hope that you're having a great day!

once again, joining the trend...

2005-08-15T02:18:00.000-04:00

I've spent the last little bit playing on Facebook. You have to find me under NC State though because some people are confused and think that I actually go to school there. LOL (Ok, so maybe I do... but I'm really a Carolina girl.)

School starts on Wednesday and I am NOT excited about it one single bit. I really just don't want to go. I don't like the stress and competition that exists there. Working all summer has been way, way better than school. I just want to graduate with my piece of paper.

Things I am excited about: talking about life with friends, playing with my dog, knowing that I'm being who God wants me to be, smiling alot, Jesus vidoes on Vintage21.com, figuring out iTunes, buying 6 pounds of coffee on sale, yup, still smiling, swings at the park, having a going away party (even though I'm staying), sleeping in, taking naps, seeing friends that haven't been seen in a while, phone calls, dancing in the grocery store (or anywhere else for that matter).

An interesting challenge: Ask God what His will is. And then ask how you can help fulfill that here on Earth.

Comments are welcome. Otherwise, I might not bother to blog.

I'm back!

2005-08-09T02:07:00.000-04:00

So Emily reminded me that I do, in fact, have a blog... so here I am. I've never been much of a journaler, so this is a bit of a challenge for me.

To catch you up, I've been interning at an architecture firm. It's been awesome! School and work are SO much different. This is my last week of full-time and I'm really sad. The good news is that I get to stay! Yay! It'll be great to have real architects to encourage me when school gets crazy.

Other than that, I've been going to weddings, etc. and hanging out with the people from Hope. God has really put me in an awesome place! I have met so many people over the past year. Sometimes we'll be hanging out and I stop and thank God for bringing me this group of people my age to have fun with and grow with.

The really awesome thing that's happened was a few weeks ago at Chavis Park. If I knew how to put pictures up here, then I would, but I can't, so I'll just have to tell you about it. We hung out all afternoon, playing, eating, and talking with some residents of Southeast Raleigh. It was a blast! I knew that it was going to be okay, but God exceeded my expectations of the turnout. I've been praying for a long time about what could be done in that area of town. There's so much need there. While I still don't have the solution, I think that God is well on HIs way of showing me how we from Hope can get involved and make a difference. I think that we made a good start at making connections there. I'm still having a hard time putting all of it in words, but I'd love to talk to you more about it. We'll be going back and hanging out soon! Ideas on what to do? Please share!

So what else? Really just loving life and where I'm at now and looking forward to where I'm going. Seriously! I know it sounds cheesy.

Think. Believe. Dream. DARE. ~ Walt Disney

lots of random thoughts

2005-06-22T02:34:00.000-04:00

So I've been doing lots of thinking lately... so just a warning that this may be rather random...

I just finished watching the Notebook. Now, I almost never cry over movies, especially chic flicks. But oh my gosh... the old people really got to me in this one. Combined with my recent ponderings on my current state of singleness, let's just say I was definitely a mess. I know that I joke alot about being old and how I don't date and I don't want to give anyone the idea that that's all I think about or that I'm desparate or anything, but I have been thinking about it all lately. (Note to self: don't watch chic flicks for a while.)

I'll be 25 in 6 months and I have to say that it is rather discourgaging when so many people my age or younger are getting married in the next few years. I haven't given up hope that God does want me to get married and have a family. Until I hear a really loud "No!" from Him, then I"m not ready to accept staying single forever. So I'm optomistic, don't get me wrong... God keeps giving me hints, which is awesome, but rather frustrating at the same time. I know what I want, I just know that I can't have it yet and I don't know why. I want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. Since I've never been the dating type, I know that God is up to something huge. (and besides, does anything in my life ever happen the "normal way?") Now it's all a matter of waiting...

Meanwhile, I've got to become 100% comfortable with myself. Now, most of the time I've got it more or less together. And I've been learning alot about myself lately. I don't want to be the center of attention; in fact, I really hate being the center. My favorite people are the ones that you can do absolutely nothing with and have the best time ever with. Talking isn't even necessary sometimes with these people. I want to be loved. I want to be liked. I want to slow down. I desparately want to be exactly who God made me to be. I don't want to sit around and ask permission anymore. I want to do things. Big things. And to do it, I'm going to need someone to keep me grounded.

being a grown up, part II

2005-05-24T01:16:00.000-04:00

So apparently my post didn't actually post last night. And I can't exactly remember what I wrote...

I organized the finish library today, which is not an easy task. Maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit of a tomboy. Who else climbs on ladders and uses a screwdriver while wearing a skirt? So I am dead exhausted. Despite being so tired, work is still going great. I just like being there, even on days like today when I don't do any architecting. But sometimes that means I get to do other things that I enjoy, like creating new boards for the lobby. Which is funny to me that they trust me to do that kind of graphic/presentation work since my professor this past semester gave me a bad grade on presentation. Everyone else in the world seems to think that I'm actually good at it.

Oh yeah, now I remember the part about being a grownup. I've realized that if someone hurts my feelings or upsets me somehow, then I should just suck it and be mildly assertive and let them know that I was hurt. This is much more effective than being annoyed about it and saying or doing silly things.

Other thought of the day: have you ever finally figured out what you want, only to realize that you can't have it just yet?

being a grownup

2005-05-16T01:53:00.000-04:00

Monday is my first day being a grown-up. (Well, sort of...) I get to put on nice clothes and go to a job that doesn't involve water or small children. I've been looking forward to this forever. I just wish that I didn't have to go back to school in the fall. For those of you who don't know, I'll be working at Integrated Design all summer. (and maybe into the fall?)

Anyone up for a cookout sometime soon? Let me know! I like "more the merrier" events.

being a social retard

2005-05-13T16:05:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt lilke a social retard? I feel that way 95% of the time. I've learned to deal with it most of the time. It takes everything I've got to be cheerful and friendly some days. My entire life I've had to deal with this and I do not like it. And even when I manage to be a good party-goer, the entire time I feel awkward, out of place, and completely nerdy. Other days, I don't like to make plans because I wonder if people really want to hang out with me. Which makes me feel even sillier for even thinking such a thing.

And the strangest thing is, no one ever seems to catch onto this. Why?

Overall, I'm a fairly confident person. (FYI: if you ever pray for confidence, you'd better mean it. Because God will definitley teach you what it means to be confident. Take my word for it.) But for some reason, when it comes to socializing like a normal human being, I feel like I fail miserably.

I say all this not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. (Trust me, that would make it worse). I just want you to know that if it ever seems like I'm trying to hard to be social, then that's why.

On a good note, I got an internship! Yay! I'll be working at Integrated Design starting on Monday! I get an email address and a desk and everything.

near misses and could-have-beens

2005-05-10T12:14:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure why I always have to defend myself about this, but for some reason, I always end up needing to set the record straight. When do I get to be too old for this? So if you're a man, please keep reading.

I am not your little sister. I am not one of the guys. I am not a tomboy. I am not someone you tolerate hanging out with. I am not a little kid.

I am a GIRL. Not a feminazi, just a girl who expects to be treated like a girl.

Am I incredilbly self-concisous about this? You bet.

Architecture for Humanity

2005-05-09T02:22:00.000-04:00

Your architecture site of the day is this: Architecture for Humanity The thing is, architecture doesn't have to just be for people who have lots of money or want to use smart sounding words to say absolutely nothing or for people who wear artsy looking glasses. It really is for everyone. Think about it: architects design spaces, basically meaning that we make inside. And don't we all like to stay dry and thermally happy? So if you've ever wondered why I look so tired from school or why I have scars all over my hands from late night use of an exacto blade, that's why. Call me crazy, but I really think that architects have a lot of power to really make some changes in this crazy world we live in. If we make inside, then we have the ability to create really great places for people to live, work, and play. If they have these great spaces, then maybe they'll want to gather in those spaces and create community. If they have community, then maybe some good will come from that sense of belonging. Crazier things have happened...

Call me crazy...

2005-05-04T15:03:00.000-04:00

I want to do a triathalon this summer or fall. I know that's crazy and would require me to actually be in shape, but I've always wanted to do one. I don't even care if I finish well or not, just so long as I actually finish. And I've found some that are fairly short distances. Here are links to those: UNC Wellness Super Sprint and Fit and Able. If anyone is interested in attempting one of these with me, that'd be fun. I can teach you how to swim properly if you promise to motivate me to run. Let me know.

beach, beach, beach

2005-05-04T01:50:00.000-04:00

Now recruiting: people who want to go to the beach next week. A day trip would be great. I've GOT to get out of Raleigh (Cary doesn't count).

That's all I've got for today. This blogging thing is a bit stressful. I feel the need to say something witty and intelligent, but lately, I've been so dead exhausted that things sound entertaining in my head, but then I realize they really aren't...

PS: comments are welcome. =)

exhausted (read at your own risk)

2005-05-01T17:39:00.000-04:00

Yay!!!! I'm done!!! Only one exam stands between me and summer!! My review went well. Overall, it was a really positive review; the way they should be. The whole project was really interesting. NOt something that I'd ever do professionally, but interesting to see where other people are spiritually.

But now I'm SO stinking tired. I went to church early for a leadership meeting and then kind of got slammed with what Pastor Mike talked about at church. So now I'm tired and confused. While I appreciate his effort at addressing why suffering happens, he didn't so much answer my question. Why suffering happens is quite possibly the most difficult thing to explain to people who are trying to understand God. It's the worst possible time for me to start thinking about suffering. I"m dreading next weekend, just like I've dreaded every holiday for the past seven years. I know that God is good and that he does things for a purpose... but I just don't get it. I've been able to find the joy in (almost) everything else that's happened in my life since, but I cannot understand about my brother. I don't get it.

straight lines and no caffeine

2005-04-26T00:16:00.000-04:00

So most of today was spent trying to cut straight lines. Which is frustrating because for some reason I'm not capable of doing that and that makes me feel like a total moron. But the semester is almost over and that makes me happy.

And for some reason, I picked this week to try to give up caffeine. My hope is that I won't be quite so jittery when trying to cut straight lines. Hopefully this week won't be as bad as other semesters have been. My plan is to be done by Friday at 7pm. (and with no caffeine). So people had better call me then and if I'm in studio, come over and drag me out of there.

If you want to know what I think about Invisible Children, check out Chris's blog because I commented there. (and kind of said way too much to retype here.)

Pray at 9am on Tuesday! I have an interview!

alarm clocks, part deux

2005-04-24T18:36:00.000-04:00

I think I have a better chance of finding one of these: http://www.cnn.com/offbeat/gallery/content.5.html
(Thanks, Yames!)

Getting up early can be quite productive. I got up at 6:30 this morning and came home from Cary, went to the gym, showered, and worked on some homework; all before church.

For those who aren't into the changes with Hungry? here's what needs to happen: 1) talk to Jeff and Jason, 2) try to adopt a good attitude for a few months and give it a fair shot, and 3) pray about it. If God is up to something big, then the changes will stick. If He's not, then the changes won't stick. I'm not completely thrilled with the changes either, but we've got to at least try it out. It's all in what you make of it. Day, time, and place shouldn't matter. The reason I keep coming is for the community, not because it fits nicely in my schedule.

Alarm Clocks

2005-04-22T01:46:00.000-04:00

So what is it about alarm clocks that they refuse to ring some days? I have 3, count them, 3 set, but do any of them go off? no.... Okay... so maybe (just maybe) I've slept through my alarm for the past few weeks. How this is possible, I don't know. I thought Riley would wake me up when the alarm goes off. You know, rub his cold nose on me or bark or something. But nope, I wake up and he's sleeping too. Maybe if I ever get married, I'll marry someone who is capable of waking up. And then he can pull the covers off my and drag me out of bed. Or, if i'm going to the gym, put my sneakers on for me. Or, if I need to get dresssed, just pick me up and put me in shower. Now that's an alarm clock...

following the crowd

2005-04-21T00:50:00.000-04:00

Not usually one to follow the crowd quite so much, I've decided to start a blog. Or is it a verb: blogging? Now why anyone would like to read about my life, I'm not sure, but go ahead.

So let's see... my day was GREAT! God is GREAT! can you tell that's my favorite word these days? I woke up on time for once; went to class; had lunch at this great Italian restaurant run by real Italians; and traced contour lines. So the usual, right?

BUT then... as I was leaving Bo's with Chris, this guy stops me who apparently knows my name. (this is scary). Well... it was the bully from growing up! And get this... he apologized for being so terrible to me. AND (better yet!) he accepted Christ. Seriously, the kid looked happier than I had ever seen him. So if you ever want to tell me that God can't change people, I will tell you that He can.

So I think I should go study for that test I have tomorrow.... While I'm doing that, you can check out these websites and get your architecture education for the day:
http://www.id-aep.com/ and http://www.bjac.com/