2010 Goals

After some discussion with friends, I've decided that making goals instead of resolutions would be a much more productive and less stressful way of approaching change. I feel like a resolution is something that I have to change immediately while a goal is something I can work toward accomplishing.

Here are a few of mine:

1) Take advantage of being unemployed: Finish renovating my bathroom; organize; detail clean; read books; relax; spend quality time with friends; make new friends; cook healthy, delicious meals; share the meals; frequent the gym; learn good sleeping habits



2) Complete a triathlon: I did a sprint a few years ago and also was on a relay team for a half Ironman. See #1.



3) Lose weight: I know that sounds cliche but all the stress I put on myself during grad school and at work did not do pretty things for my health. See #1 and #2.


4) Believe in myself: I've been trying for 29 years to do this. Maybe this will be the year..

short or long?

Either way, my hair desperately needs to see scissors. Make a comment and vote.

with long hair

with short hair

aspiring domestic diva

I've had it out for the ultra-feminists lately. They've really messed things up for the rest of us regular feminists.

I'm glad for the rights that I now enjoy. I fully realize that women have gained some of these rights in the fairly recent past.

But I think the feminists should have stopped while they were ahead.

Before I go any further, let me clarify: I know that women often times HAVE to work; some for a short time, others for a lifetime. You gotta do what you gotta do.

I do not think that women were designed for this working outside the house thing.

Yup. I just wrote that.

Before you get all worked up, let me explain.

As a little girl, all I wanted was to get married and be a mom. Like many girls, I had dolls and a play kitchen set. Unlike many girls, my kid sized table had a tablecloth and napkins that matched the decor of my room. And very unlike other girls, I made my own washer and dryer out of looseleaf paper and scotch tape.

Then I went to school. And just so happened to be quite good at it. So between academics and all those other activities you're supposed to do in order to be "well-rounded" I got swept up in being smart enough and good enough to be anything I wanted when I grew up, so long as it involved several advanced degrees.

Somehow in getting those advanced degrees* it occurred to me to include a husband and a family in the equation. Which pretty much meant that I decided I was going to be Super Woman.

I was going to have an amazing, fulfilling, successful career AND be an attentive wife AND be the mom with homemade cookies.

My first two years out of school, I worked hard at my career. Got there early and stayed late sort of hard. I ate all three meals at my desk some days. Friends were for weekends only. I was determined to be a licensed architect by 30. ** Yes, I was tired but it was worth it, right?***

Fast forward to now and the "economic downturn"... Instead of letting anyone go at work, we all took pay cuts. Since I get paid by the hour, this means that I now work fewer hours.

At first, I was pretty upset. I still miss the rest of my paycheck. But I now have an extra day off each week and I only have to put in 8 hours each day, leaving me with plenty of spare time.

Over the past several months I have: tiled a shower, baked several cakes, made cards, organized some of the house, run tons of errands, cooked some amazing dinners, baked bread, cleaned the dog/cat fur more regularly, made my own household cleaners, etc.

I have felt more like myself than I have in years. It's an amazing feeling to feel like yourself. I'm really happy when I'm cutting veggies or painting something or straightening up the house. And if my activity does something to help someone or brighten their day, even better.

Which got me to thinking... maybe the dream I had as a little girl wasn't so crazy. Maybe this was what I was meant to do.

Many of my friends (myself included) are quite good at their jobs. We patiently deal with clients each day, create order out of chaos, juggle super human workloads and get people to play nice. As women, we're nurturing and that's what makes us great sales executives and project managers. We're motivated by a job done well and efficiently and not as much by the dollar.

As a result, we're tired and stressed. Worse, we're left feeling unfulfilled. This brokenness starts to spill over into all aspects of our lives and that cannot possibly be a good thing.

Which brings me back to my point. While we're clearly capable of doing all kinds of work, we're simply not designed to do it at a 9-5 job.****

Please join me as we start a revolution. We are aspiring domestic divas. We will be the women God designed us to be.

We will go to college, graduate, and get jobs. We will not lose ourselves in work or have jobs that leave us drained.

And when we're at home, we will not be ashamed to admit that we like cooking or keeping house. We will not be ashamed of our ability to throw an impromptu dinner party or sew cute pillows.

And when we get married... watch out, world!

I would like to suggest that an aspiring domestic diva work less than full time after she gets married. She can bring in some extra money to be set aside for the future but still have the time and energy to care for her husband and her home. We will not be ashamed to admit that we like having a decent meal ready for the husband when he gets home from work.

And when there are kids, we will not be embarrassed about wanting to spend as much time as possible with our children. If we're lucky enough to be able to stay home full-time (or even part-time), we will put all those job skills to good use: We [will] patiently deal with [kids] each day, create order out of chaos, juggle super human workloads and get people to play nice.

We will not feel as if we're wasting our education or that we've fallen off the career ladder. Everything we're doing now is simply training and experience for our careers as domestic divas.

An aspiring domestic diva is smart, capable and talented. She cares for those around her whether friends, a pet or a husband and kids. She is who God made her to be and not who the world wants her to be.

I'm excited to tell you more about this revolution. Stay tuned...


* In case you care, I have degrees in Journalism and Architecture. I work for an architecture firm.
** This could happen if I would study. People watching is more fun.
*** However, very difficult to add "husband" to the equation if you're so busy working that you don't have the time or energy to be social.
**** For those women who truly enjoy their careers, good for you! A woman's perspective is much needed in the workplace.

living single

I should start with this: I've started this post a few times but never posted for fear of offending people. So I apologize in advance if anyone is offended.

I love my life as a single woman: I have really amazing friends. I own an adorable little house. Riley and Linus are really good roommates.

Yes, it's hard sometimes to be single. But I'm hopeful that will change one day.

What's bothered me lately is this: Married women often make me feel like I don't matter.** (Yikes! There, I said it out loud.)

They talk down to me. I feel like some stupid college kid even though I'm about the same age.

They prattle on about their lives but rarely appear interested in mine. I guess since I don't have a husband, nothing in my life is worth mentioning.

Perhaps this seems ridiculous.

But I'd really like to get to know some of the married women around me. I realize that I can't be best friends with them but I would like to be better acquainted. Besides, diversity is what makes life interesting. If we put the obvious married/single difference aside, I'm sure we'd find that we had several things in common.

I could make a better effort to get to know some of these women. But it's hard after you get shut down so many times.

So I find myself drifting further and further into the single's club. ***

** There are married women who I love dearly and don't know what I'd do without them.
*** Y'all are awesome!

cool place in Arkansas

I know, I know. What could possibly be cool to look at in Arkansas? Check this out:
http://architectureandmorality.blogspot.com/2008/10/architectural-delicacy-thorncrown.html

Finding a Voice

Several months ago, it was conveyed to me that much of what goes on in my head is worth sharing.



This had never occurred to me before.



I've been thinking alot about that over the past few months and finally got around to talking about it with Traci and Julie. I'm still thinking about it.



Here's the scary part: Essentially, I've been telling myself that I don't matter.



Yikes!



The more I think about it, the more I realize how little I use my voice: I don't often offer an opinion in a conversation, even with friends. I rarely call anyone for a chat. I'm resistant to Twitter, blogging, Facebook, etc. I simply cannot imagine that anyone could possibly be that interested in what I have to say. Even in discussions (i.e. times when opinions are being tossed around), I just don't think that anything I have to say will contribute very much to what's already being said.

I can't actually think of a time when anyone came right out and told me that what I had to say didn't matter. It's difficult for me to verbalize what I'm thinking sometimes and there have been some awkward moments on my part but still, no one has ever told me to stop talking.

The work I do all day long involves throwing ideas around until a solution is reached. I'm friends with people who love to think. I would like to participate but I just can't seem to get myself unstuck from saying nothing or acting like I don't think.

So if I don't feel like I have anything to say, then why I am writing this? In part, maybe it's that by sharing I'll realize how ridiculous it is and will be able to convince myself that I do have the right to have a voice.

I've been told numerous times that I'm passionate, intelligent, and talented. Assuming that's true, then I'm not living up to my potential by keeping my mouth shut.

My desire is to help people (more on that another time. that's a post of it's own). What I'm realizing is that in order to do that, I need to find my voice. If not ultimately so I can talk about myself all the time, then eventually for the greater good of other people.

As I was looking up a quote from Gandhi (We must be the change we wish to see), I came across this one:

"The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within."

Smart guy that Gandhi.

ballet and theatre

I love, love, love ballet and theatre. Yet for some reason, I never go. Here are some shows I'd like to see:
Carolina Ballet
Messiah
Nutcracker

Broadway Series South
Chicago
Stomp

Theatre in the Park
A Christmas Carol

Playmakers Repertory Company
The Glass Menagerie

burnt out

I've officially reached burn out.

I've been insanely busy before. I've been pretty tired before. I've juggled more things than should be possible. I've dealt with devastating family issues and still kept going. I did it all and then some and still had plenty of energy to do more.

But the past few months have been pretty rough. I've been beyond tired. I can't remember the last time my head or throat didn't hurt. I've gained weight. I'm disorganized. I don't make my bed every day.

There have been a few times lately that I've truly had a chance to relax. Each time I've thought "This is what I'm missing. This is how everyone else must feel most of the time."

So I'm getting back on track by slowing down, relaxing, and learning to say no.

Art

While we were at the NC Museum of Art this weekend, Bernie overheard a kid say "I could do that."

Which got me to thinking. Why do people always say that about modern art?

[The artist we were looking at is Julie Mehretu and her work is way more detailed than it seems at a distance.]

Admitedly, I've seen some splatters on canvas and probably even some mostly blank canvases displayed. I've seen piles of junk and scribbles. I'm a fairly abstract thinker and I've definitely seen things that I don't get.

What I don't think people realize is that this is how these artists express themselves. It's how they communicate. We all have some way that we communicate who we are and what we're thinking. Artists are just crazy enough to put it on canvas and display it.

It's never as simple as it looks.

I say this, but I think everyone can create their own artwork. You don't have to be able to explain it. Part of the expression is in the doing.

The best part about abstract art is that there aren't any rules. You can do anything you want with any medium you want.

I realize that most people haven't done any kind of art since elementary school. But if you're reading this, then I encourage you to give it a try this week. Find some paint or crayons and go crazy. =)

Motivation

Anyone who has been around me lately has probably heard me complaining about my job. (sorry.) Which leaves even me wondering why I keep working there.

Back when I decided to go to grad school for architecture, I decided that I wanted to do something different. I wanted to help people, not just design fancy things for fancy clients.

Fast forward a few years to my first year of grad school. A professor invites me to a conference called "Structure for Inclusion." Guess what I learned? People actually do help people with architecture. Amazing!

Since then, I've learned of several organizations and fellowships that exist for this purpose. I've even been to Africa with one such organization.

So clearly it's entirely possible to make this happen. I should remember this and not lose sight of my goal. I know this.

What's stopping me then? Experience for one. Most positions with these organizations require about 5 years of experience (I have 3) and management experience. The two that I'm most interested in are headquartered in San Francisco. I've always lived here so moving that far away would be pretty huge.

Beyond that, I think I just get disillusioned with an average day in the architecture world. It's very driven by developers who have lots of money but very little taste and by bureaucrats who wield power by enforcing rules.

Despite all my complaining, I know there are several things keeping me at my current job which will benefit me if/when I do make the jump to the next step: doing projects for non-profits, participating in AFH competitions, heading up Canstruction, taking 2 weeks off to go on an emi trip, and piles of management experience that I shouldn't have had yet.

Even though this is several years off (and even if I never do large scale architecture do-gooding), I'm trying to make a point to not let all the every day junk get me down. So if you hear me complaining, please remind me that there is a point to all the craziness.

Balance

I've lost my sense of balance lately.

Until a little over a year ago, my life was always heavily weighted toward school and school related activities. Even with grad school being so consuming, I still felt more even than I do now.

For the first time in my life, there is no obvious next thing. In school, I knew that the end of a semester would be packed but there would be a break soon. Besides, someone else had planned that for me. Who was I to argue with a few days off?

But now my time is my own. Even my work schedule is more or less up to me. Yet I don't take advantage of it like I should.

Instead, I tend to swing between extremes. One week I'll work too much, not see or talk to people at all, completely forget to visit with God, never make it to the gym and not eat a single meal that isn't a sandwich. The next week will be the total opposite.

The result is that I'm exhausted. I don't even feel human some days.

What I've got to learn to do is balance my life. There are some things that I have to do and a whole bunch more that I want to do.

Some of the things that I "have" to do are all in my head. I get stuck there sometimes and usually need help getting unstuck. That seems to be what's really throwing me off balance.

With balance comes order. I like order. The lack of it is making me crazy.

High School Jeopardy!

you know you're watching high school Jeopardy! when the category title is "Really Old Movies" and the answers are Goonies and ET.

Star Wars

I have to watch Star Wars.

It's been declared as an internship requirement. Apparently people born before 1977 can't believe that there are people who haven't seen them.

I'll need company watching them. Let me know when you want to have a Star Wars marathon.

blog envy

I suffer from blog envy.

I'm evnvious of people who post serious thoughts on their blogs all the time. Or people who have something really interesting to post about.

So maybe I'll give this a try and just post what's in my head.

It turned out to be a really good day

This morning, I did not want to go to work. It's not been a place I've enjoyed very much today. I much rather would have sat at Panera all morning with Julie and Traci.

So I get to work and the other intern finishes something he was doing for me without being asked. Then I get a phone call from a contractor (he talks to me like I know what's going on. good guy.) and have to ask the project manager what to do and he totally lets me just deal with it on my own. There was a cookout at a printing company today and I convinced all four designers to go together. It was the first time any of us have done something together voluntarily. After lunch, my boss sat down with me and helped me find all the bits for my project. Then I met my parents at North Hills and listened to beach music. While we were there, I bumped into my favorite little people. While I was walking Riley tonight, one of my neighbors offered to share flowers with me. Then Derek kissed Meredith on Gray's.

Good day.

Drag Bingo

Pictures are finally up! Sorry that it's taken so long. I went to download the pictures after I got home that night only to find that my computer had died. It's fixed now so here there are:


Bernie, Sam, and Daniel are ready to play some Bingo.











The performances this time were much more entertaining this month. (Ok, except for one that was a little much.) The queens have definitely been practicing their moves.





























Who's that in the green shirt? Julianne, did you miss O69?

















Bernie and Mary KMart after she gave his brother a birthday wakeup call.

Being Me

I think I'm becoming an introvert.

This is a little weird to me.

Maybe I've been one all along and never knew it.

I've had to learn alot about myself lately. I've learned alot that I'm not ready to talk about yet. But it's been refreshing to find that maybe I'm not weird but maybe I'm just myself. And that's okay.

you won't believe what my mom suggested

speed dating.

yes, really.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I thought I knew. But the more I do it, the more I'm not so sure.

It's not that I don't like being an architect. I really do.

Ok, let's back up a bit. I'm not actually an architect. Yet. I do almost everything a "real" architect does. But legally, I'm not actually one. And I won't be for at least two more years. I still have some internship requirements to meet and a bunch of exams to take.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. And on Monday, Ryan was joking with me and said "But you need to make a decision for when you're a real architect." I said "I don't want to be an architect when I grow up."

Which of course made him ask why.

It's that I don't see the point. I thought there was a point to being a licensed architect. But I've lost what that is right now.

I guess you can work for yourself or maybe get paid more. But those things don't particularly motivate me right now. There's also the fact that my 3 1/2 years of grad school will be pretty much pointless if I don't get licensed.

Architecture is a profession. Something that you practice, not just an ordinary job. Being licensed means getting the respect that comes with being a professional.

Not being a real architect means way less stress, responsibility and thinking. I could pretty much keep doing what I'm doing with less stress for several more years before anyone would take issue with my not being licensed. So why keep doing it? It's better than retail.

I'm just so stressed out. I go to work and I'm just stressed. I don't know why but I am.

I keep thinking that maybe I'll just show up at work, do what needs doing, and not care beyond that.

But can I be okay with that? With merely just punching a clock?

I was told today that I was better than just being a draftsman my whole life.

Maybe I am. But what's the point?

At this point, I have to make a choice. Either continue to be a glorified CAD monkey or take the initiative to become more than that.

I just wish I knew what being a real architect really got me.

Links

I need some more blogging help:
How do I put links in? I think I tried one time a while ago and they never showed up.