Star Wars

I have to watch Star Wars.

It's been declared as an internship requirement. Apparently people born before 1977 can't believe that there are people who haven't seen them.

I'll need company watching them. Let me know when you want to have a Star Wars marathon.

blog envy

I suffer from blog envy.

I'm evnvious of people who post serious thoughts on their blogs all the time. Or people who have something really interesting to post about.

So maybe I'll give this a try and just post what's in my head.

It turned out to be a really good day

This morning, I did not want to go to work. It's not been a place I've enjoyed very much today. I much rather would have sat at Panera all morning with Julie and Traci.

So I get to work and the other intern finishes something he was doing for me without being asked. Then I get a phone call from a contractor (he talks to me like I know what's going on. good guy.) and have to ask the project manager what to do and he totally lets me just deal with it on my own. There was a cookout at a printing company today and I convinced all four designers to go together. It was the first time any of us have done something together voluntarily. After lunch, my boss sat down with me and helped me find all the bits for my project. Then I met my parents at North Hills and listened to beach music. While we were there, I bumped into my favorite little people. While I was walking Riley tonight, one of my neighbors offered to share flowers with me. Then Derek kissed Meredith on Gray's.

Good day.

Drag Bingo

Pictures are finally up! Sorry that it's taken so long. I went to download the pictures after I got home that night only to find that my computer had died. It's fixed now so here there are:


Bernie, Sam, and Daniel are ready to play some Bingo.











The performances this time were much more entertaining this month. (Ok, except for one that was a little much.) The queens have definitely been practicing their moves.





























Who's that in the green shirt? Julianne, did you miss O69?

















Bernie and Mary KMart after she gave his brother a birthday wakeup call.

Being Me

I think I'm becoming an introvert.

This is a little weird to me.

Maybe I've been one all along and never knew it.

I've had to learn alot about myself lately. I've learned alot that I'm not ready to talk about yet. But it's been refreshing to find that maybe I'm not weird but maybe I'm just myself. And that's okay.

you won't believe what my mom suggested

speed dating.

yes, really.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I thought I knew. But the more I do it, the more I'm not so sure.

It's not that I don't like being an architect. I really do.

Ok, let's back up a bit. I'm not actually an architect. Yet. I do almost everything a "real" architect does. But legally, I'm not actually one. And I won't be for at least two more years. I still have some internship requirements to meet and a bunch of exams to take.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. And on Monday, Ryan was joking with me and said "But you need to make a decision for when you're a real architect." I said "I don't want to be an architect when I grow up."

Which of course made him ask why.

It's that I don't see the point. I thought there was a point to being a licensed architect. But I've lost what that is right now.

I guess you can work for yourself or maybe get paid more. But those things don't particularly motivate me right now. There's also the fact that my 3 1/2 years of grad school will be pretty much pointless if I don't get licensed.

Architecture is a profession. Something that you practice, not just an ordinary job. Being licensed means getting the respect that comes with being a professional.

Not being a real architect means way less stress, responsibility and thinking. I could pretty much keep doing what I'm doing with less stress for several more years before anyone would take issue with my not being licensed. So why keep doing it? It's better than retail.

I'm just so stressed out. I go to work and I'm just stressed. I don't know why but I am.

I keep thinking that maybe I'll just show up at work, do what needs doing, and not care beyond that.

But can I be okay with that? With merely just punching a clock?

I was told today that I was better than just being a draftsman my whole life.

Maybe I am. But what's the point?

At this point, I have to make a choice. Either continue to be a glorified CAD monkey or take the initiative to become more than that.

I just wish I knew what being a real architect really got me.

Links

I need some more blogging help:
How do I put links in? I think I tried one time a while ago and they never showed up.

why?

I'm a big fan of this question. I don't often come up with many answers though.

This week I've been wondering "Why?" alot.

Why work hard when just getting by is acceptable?

Why do I care?

Why do I have to go to work all day long?

Why do bad things happen and why don't people want to talk about it?

Why don't I let myself be exactly who God wants me to be?

Why is Satan such a jerk?

Why can't I block him out?

Why do I let myself get stressed out?

Why can't I just see what's in front of me?

Why does Riley think he's walking me?

Why can't I make a decsion?

Wii

If you have not Wii-ed, then you must find someone who has one and beg them to let you play. Not only do my arms still hurt from boxing, running, swimming, and hammer throwing, but my abs are in pain from laughing.

If you find my Facebook page and watch the videos Carly posted, then you'll see what I mean.

subtlety

Tonight we were talking about subtlety. In particular, do men get things we girls do and do we get things they do? Or all we all trying so hard to be subtle that we miss it all? We didn't exactly come to any conclusions.

Somehow this lead to a pretty hilarious conversation on pickup lines. Suggestions ranged from "do you have a pen?" to "You're attractive and I want to have your babies." Danielle and Danielle definitely had very different styles. Julie was working the batting of her eyes.

Somehow in all this I recapped Henry Cloud's book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping." (As much as I hate dating advice books, this one is pretty good. He goes beyond dating and talks alot about good social skills.)

One of the bits of advice in this book is to just practice talking to people whenever you have a chance. Which got us back to pickup lines.

Not one of our ideas was in the least bit sublte. Hilarious but not sublte.

As we were leaving, Julie says to Andy and Will, "You're both attractive. Which one of you wants to take me to dinner?"

Hilarious. Unsubtle. Brilliant.

Family

A friend loaned me the first season of Brothers and Sisters on DVD. (Shame on her. All I've done since Sunday is watch TV.) She said she liked the show becasuse it reminds her of her own family.

A few great things about the show are the amazing house and the size of the family (five kids). My favorite thing about the show is how much of a mess each character is. They've all got their own set of issues and unlike many tv shows, they're reasonably realistic issues.

Another friend mentioned how the family just talks about things and gets it out there.

A while back I was talking to someone about how my family never, ever talks about things. Some pretty tragic, serious, scary and messed up stuff has happened in my life and none of it has ever been discussed between me and my parents. There are events, that now even over 10 years later, I'm still not sure what happened.

My question is this: Do families talk to each other like the one in the show? Or is my family just weird because we don't?

online dating

Let me start by saying that I neither condone nor condemn online dating. I'm by no means knocking it; I'm just saying that I'm not feeling it.

I've known people for whom it's been a positive experience. They've gone on dates, met some interesting people and had some funny stories to tell. One person I know even met her fiance online.

To be clear, I'm content with my singleness.

Lately though, I've had several people start in on me as to what I was doing to meet new people (At least two of those people just want me to be able to hang out with them more, being as they're married and do couple things.) Most recently my mom asked me about it.

In my defense, I was on a four year leave of absence from real life.

It seems that online dating has come up in conversation quite a bit lately. And today I had to explain to my mom why I wasn't participating. She even quoted Dr. Phil. (ugh.)

My understanding of these services is this: you answer multiple guess questions about yourself, a computer runs some matches, and then you pay a fee each month to wink at people in hopes that someone will want to start communicating with you.

I don't know about you, but I am much more complex than a multiple guess question. Besides the fact that I'd much rather meet someone who complimented me rather than meeting someone who was the same as me. And meeting someone based on an online profile seems so one dimensional to me.

I think that instead of paying the fee for this service I could use that money to do activites I enjoy. Seems like more fun that way. It's not all about "meeting someone" that way. That would just be an added bonus. I'd be much more myself than I would be having to meet some stranger for dinner.

I'm holding out for God's best. Not that the online method isn't a way to that. It's just that I think God is more creative than that.

confrontation

Normally, I hate confrontation. Avoid it at all possible costs. Don't even consider it as an option. Brush it under the rug as "it'll get better" or "I'm over-reacting" or "it's not my place" or any number of other excuses.

I'm learning to like it.

I can't believe I just said that.

After a good solid year of repeatedly feeling disrespected by a manager at work, I've decided that I'd had enough.

After another manager convinced me to stand up to him, he got in my face and yelled. We then had the same conversation that we've had about the issue for the past year.

I tried just sucking it up and doing the work and not letting it get to me. The work got done but I was miserable.

I tried making excuses about being humble but I couldn't seem to reconcile what I understand about Jesus with being a doormat.

I realized that I had three choices: 1. let him continue to disrespect me, 2. find a new job, and 3. talk to my boss about it. By not saying anything I felt like I was enabling the situation. By leaving I lose out big time. I like my job alot. There are tons of reasons why I don't want to get a new job. (More on that another time. I'm still a little (ok, alot) blown away by it.)

Leaving option number three.

My boss was totally cool with me talking to him. He even suggested that I talk more with this manager and with the others that also work for him. I felt somewhat like we were ganging up on the guy. But I asked my boss for help in the situation and this is what he suggested.

We made sure to present him with positives and with some concrete actions he could take to help prevent this tension from developing.

Part of my feels really badly for making such a fuss. The rest of me feels darn good that I was able to talk to him without crying or backing down, all while knowing that my boss was totally cool with me talking to this guy.

This isn't to say that I don't take some responsibility for the tension. I do take things he's said a little too personally sometimes. I actually really think this guy is a good guy which is probably why it bothers me so much that I have issues working with him.

However...

I know full well that this is going to happen again. He'll treat me better for a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a few months. And then it's going to happen again. I'd like to be optimistic about it.

It's no longer an isolated incident. We can't get along with everyone all the time. But we're in this cycle. It happens to other people in the office. But it's out there in the open now.

All this to say that I'm actually feeling good about the situation. It was an exhausting afternoon.

Advice from my mentor was this: how I handle this situation is going to set the tone for how I handle my career from here on out. It's also going to set the tone for how much I repsect myself and impact my life beyond work. (darn him. he has a trend toward being right all too often.)

If nothing else, it shows that I'm willing to man up to the tension and attempt to wrestle with it and deal with it.

It seems better just being able to say that I"m not okay with something.

I've previously been a world champion faker. I'm done. Finished.

house pictures (finally)

Welcome to Jones Street! This is my house. It was built around 1920 and is a bungalow style house. Keep scrolling down for more pictures.










the living room. the panel door on the left goes to a bedroom.











The fireplace in the living room.












The bathroom. You can't tell from the picture, but it was paneled around the existing elements.

















Dining room. Seriously sagging floors in this room.











Kitchen (an appropriate Go Heels! color) Definitely major demolition scheduled for this room.

















That's all. There are 2 bedrooms and a back den area but there's not much to see so I didn't post pictures*. If you ever get bored or frustrated and want to peel some paint or wallpaper, just call.

* Thanks to my picture-posting coach for explaining how to put pictures on this thing.

actually remembering to blog: take 463

So clearly my attempts to keep up with blogging haven't gone so well yet again...

I think it's a little weird to post things that go on in my head on the internets. Maybe it's a nice way to keep people up to date with my life. (of course, then I wonder who on earth is reading this.) The problem is that I can't give a simple play-by-play without going off on tangents. Hence my most recent nickname of "spaghetti girl." I could write for hours. Maybe I should aim for a little bit each night.

Thought for the week (ok, the past couple of weeks): Where's the line between humility and doormat-ity?

** house pictures coming as soon as I find the USB cable.

new (old) house

Soon you will see pictures of my house! (when I figure out how to get them on here.)

Per a really good suggestion, I'm going to keep track of my crazy house remodeling adventure through this blog thing. (which I have also never quite figured out.)

The house was built around 1920. So there are 87 years of paint/wallpaper/gosh-knows-what to be stripped/resurfaced/otherwise demolished.

Check back later this week and I'll at least have a link to pictures up here.

a million thoughts

There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. I'd like to be able to write a coherent post on each of them, but I can't seem to get all the thoughts to stop colliding long enough.

I graduated almost five months ago. I never have to go back to school again. Ever. Which slightly makes my head spin because now I really can get on with the real life I've dreamed about.

Which makes me wonder what real life is. I thought my life would look different when I was approaching 26 1/2. I'm a "grown up" now. Whatever that means. Maybe I should do grownup things. Take a trip to Home Depot or something. I thought I'd be married by 27. I thought I'd take myself way more seriously. I thought I'd be able to sit still without giggling or fidgeting.

Instead, I find myself doing a whole lot of having fun/nothing. I know some pretty amazing people around here. I'm pretty much always amazed at how great a community that God has put me in. I don't know what I'd do without these people. Whether it's all hanging out together or sitting on the porch talking to a few people, it's just good.

Even when it's not. Even when I'm upset by things people do. Even when I feel all alone and like I've got no one to talk to. Even when I feel all dark and twisty like Meredith Grey. I know that I have to get over myself and open up and that people around me love me anyway.

I feel like I talk about myself alot. I feel like I use the word "alot" alot. I don't like to bring attention to myself. Please don't misunderstand that. (ok, and I feel like I'm misunderstood all the time.) It's just that I'd rather focus on other people.

Which means that I actually like doign things like cooking for people or whatever. And I think that's scary to some people. It's too much somehow. I try to tone it down, really, I do. It scares people. (And by people, I mean boy people.) I'm not exactly super-ready to be all house-wifey or anything but isn't it supposed to be a good thing that I can handle domestic things?

I've started looking at buying a house. What an adventure that's starting to become... more on that another day. For now, let's just say that I'm excited. Even thought i have absolutely no clue as to where I'll be in 2 or 3 years.

All this makes me wonder just what God is up to in my life. I'm pretty confused right now. What on earth am I doing? I can go anywhere and do anything. Missions? Peace Corps? Rose Fellowship? Keep on working? Does it matter? Is working for a non-Christian group okay if I do humanitarian work?

Because right now, I can't have what I want. And I don't like not getting what I want.

I don't like being called overdramatic. I don't like feeling overdramatic. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be feminine.

I've been stuck in the boat lately. And every time I feel like stepping out of it, I feel myself getting pulled back in. For so long, I talked about jumping out of the boat and holding onto Christ's hand and just going. I'm getting tired of paddling. I want the faith to get out of the boat.

near... far...

(if you know what childhood show the title is from, you win.)

Who is your neighbor?

That's what has been asked lately, along with some insight on the good Samaritian story. Jeramie and Jeff have both had really good things to say. And there have been some cool discussions as a result.

Lately, I've been torn between being here in the States or being in sub-Saharan Africa.

Either way, I have a pretty rough idea of what God will have me doing. I'm not real worried about that. It's just a question of where.

[As a side note, I don't often like people to know that I went to NC State. It has nothing to do with sports. In fact, I don't want people to know that I have too much education. I'd much rather be seen as a godly woman rather than a career woman. Long story short, God has long since been leading me to meet people's needs. I have the ability to create spaces and built environments that can help other people help people. I don't do relational ministry. I'm not a teacher. I'm not a doctor or a nurse. But I can help those people change the world.]

Seeing poverty here in the US is hard because it's in stark contrast to most of the rest of us. How can the richest, most powerful country in the whole world have people who are going hungry? It's hard to see people go to work and struggle to keep their families fed and warm. But I'm not sure how I fit into making a difference. I don't do politics or policy. I'm not good at relational things, which is what I'm finding is a huge need here: some people to take the time to invest in a person's life and help teach them and encourage them toward some good decisions. Are there plenty of ways that I can help those people do that? Probably. But thus far, I haven't had the opportunity to do so. (Maybe not entirely true. The project I designed just needs funding. And is held up in city policy limbo.)

I don't know if it's frustration with the way poverty is handled here or if God is leading my heart in a different direction.

Here's where the confusion sets in: I leave for Africa in a few weeks. And I am more excited than I can possibly handle. I get to do what I've been talking about for so long. The more I read about Africa, particularly Sub-Saharan, the more I know that I cannot possibly stay here. I wish I could explain it better. Maybe God will explain it to me while I'm there.

Because that's almost a total 180 from what I've been up to the past few years. A while back, some of us started hanging out around Chavis Park near downtown. We've had a few cookouts, done some daycamp, mostly painted a house, and adopted a few families we met. All really great stuff. I guess I kind of started alot of it. I worry that people see me as the local outreach girl. And lately, I haven't been comfortable with that. So I've been real excited to see at least one home group at Visio Dei really jump on getting involved down there. Perhaps all I had to do was get the ball rolling and now other people can take it on without me.

Regardless, I'm here full time for the next few years. I should at least finish my internship hours. (A few more years of experience is probably a good idea. We don't want things falling down on people.) And if I got that far, I should maybe just go ahead and take my AREs. If I'm legal in the US, I should be legit pretty much anywhere.

Ideally, I'd never have to choose. I'd spend part of my year here and part in Africa (and maybe other places.) If poverty is a global problem, why can't I approach it from different angles? Logistically, I have no clue as to how that might actually happen. I think that's the part I'm looking forward to: seeing how God has it all planned out. Because part of that definitely involves some huge life decisions. And that's exciting.

I'm ready for some serious revolution in my life. I think this is a good start.

cell phones

Generally, in order to get a new cell phone, you have to sign a two year contract.

You have a phone. It probably doesn't work very well. You'd like one that works better. You realize that you could have a better one. You know there are better ones out there.

Instead, you settle.