lots of random thoughts

So I've been doing lots of thinking lately... so just a warning that this may be rather random...

I just finished watching the Notebook. Now, I almost never cry over movies, especially chic flicks. But oh my gosh... the old people really got to me in this one. Combined with my recent ponderings on my current state of singleness, let's just say I was definitely a mess. I know that I joke alot about being old and how I don't date and I don't want to give anyone the idea that that's all I think about or that I'm desparate or anything, but I have been thinking about it all lately. (Note to self: don't watch chic flicks for a while.)

I'll be 25 in 6 months and I have to say that it is rather discourgaging when so many people my age or younger are getting married in the next few years. I haven't given up hope that God does want me to get married and have a family. Until I hear a really loud "No!" from Him, then I"m not ready to accept staying single forever. So I'm optomistic, don't get me wrong... God keeps giving me hints, which is awesome, but rather frustrating at the same time. I know what I want, I just know that I can't have it yet and I don't know why. I want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. Since I've never been the dating type, I know that God is up to something huge. (and besides, does anything in my life ever happen the "normal way?") Now it's all a matter of waiting...

Meanwhile, I've got to become 100% comfortable with myself. Now, most of the time I've got it more or less together. And I've been learning alot about myself lately. I don't want to be the center of attention; in fact, I really hate being the center. My favorite people are the ones that you can do absolutely nothing with and have the best time ever with. Talking isn't even necessary sometimes with these people. I want to be loved. I want to be liked. I want to slow down. I desparately want to be exactly who God made me to be. I don't want to sit around and ask permission anymore. I want to do things. Big things. And to do it, I'm going to need someone to keep me grounded.

being a grown up, part II

So apparently my post didn't actually post last night. And I can't exactly remember what I wrote...

I organized the finish library today, which is not an easy task. Maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit of a tomboy. Who else climbs on ladders and uses a screwdriver while wearing a skirt? So I am dead exhausted. Despite being so tired, work is still going great. I just like being there, even on days like today when I don't do any architecting. But sometimes that means I get to do other things that I enjoy, like creating new boards for the lobby. Which is funny to me that they trust me to do that kind of graphic/presentation work since my professor this past semester gave me a bad grade on presentation. Everyone else in the world seems to think that I'm actually good at it.

Oh yeah, now I remember the part about being a grownup. I've realized that if someone hurts my feelings or upsets me somehow, then I should just suck it and be mildly assertive and let them know that I was hurt. This is much more effective than being annoyed about it and saying or doing silly things.

Other thought of the day: have you ever finally figured out what you want, only to realize that you can't have it just yet?

being a grownup

Monday is my first day being a grown-up. (Well, sort of...) I get to put on nice clothes and go to a job that doesn't involve water or small children. I've been looking forward to this forever. I just wish that I didn't have to go back to school in the fall. For those of you who don't know, I'll be working at Integrated Design all summer. (and maybe into the fall?)

Anyone up for a cookout sometime soon? Let me know! I like "more the merrier" events.

being a social retard

Have you ever felt lilke a social retard? I feel that way 95% of the time. I've learned to deal with it most of the time. It takes everything I've got to be cheerful and friendly some days. My entire life I've had to deal with this and I do not like it. And even when I manage to be a good party-goer, the entire time I feel awkward, out of place, and completely nerdy. Other days, I don't like to make plans because I wonder if people really want to hang out with me. Which makes me feel even sillier for even thinking such a thing.

And the strangest thing is, no one ever seems to catch onto this. Why?

Overall, I'm a fairly confident person. (FYI: if you ever pray for confidence, you'd better mean it. Because God will definitley teach you what it means to be confident. Take my word for it.) But for some reason, when it comes to socializing like a normal human being, I feel like I fail miserably.

I say all this not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. (Trust me, that would make it worse). I just want you to know that if it ever seems like I'm trying to hard to be social, then that's why.

On a good note, I got an internship! Yay! I'll be working at Integrated Design starting on Monday! I get an email address and a desk and everything.

near misses and could-have-beens

I'm not sure why I always have to defend myself about this, but for some reason, I always end up needing to set the record straight. When do I get to be too old for this? So if you're a man, please keep reading.

I am not your little sister. I am not one of the guys. I am not a tomboy. I am not someone you tolerate hanging out with. I am not a little kid.

I am a GIRL. Not a feminazi, just a girl who expects to be treated like a girl.

Am I incredilbly self-concisous about this? You bet.

Architecture for Humanity

Your architecture site of the day is this: Architecture for Humanity The thing is, architecture doesn't have to just be for people who have lots of money or want to use smart sounding words to say absolutely nothing or for people who wear artsy looking glasses. It really is for everyone. Think about it: architects design spaces, basically meaning that we make inside. And don't we all like to stay dry and thermally happy? So if you've ever wondered why I look so tired from school or why I have scars all over my hands from late night use of an exacto blade, that's why. Call me crazy, but I really think that architects have a lot of power to really make some changes in this crazy world we live in. If we make inside, then we have the ability to create really great places for people to live, work, and play. If they have these great spaces, then maybe they'll want to gather in those spaces and create community. If they have community, then maybe some good will come from that sense of belonging. Crazier things have happened...

Call me crazy...

I want to do a triathalon this summer or fall. I know that's crazy and would require me to actually be in shape, but I've always wanted to do one. I don't even care if I finish well or not, just so long as I actually finish. And I've found some that are fairly short distances. Here are links to those: UNC Wellness Super Sprint and Fit and Able. If anyone is interested in attempting one of these with me, that'd be fun. I can teach you how to swim properly if you promise to motivate me to run. Let me know.

beach, beach, beach

Now recruiting: people who want to go to the beach next week. A day trip would be great. I've GOT to get out of Raleigh (Cary doesn't count).

That's all I've got for today. This blogging thing is a bit stressful. I feel the need to say something witty and intelligent, but lately, I've been so dead exhausted that things sound entertaining in my head, but then I realize they really aren't...

PS: comments are welcome. =)

exhausted (read at your own risk)

Yay!!!! I'm done!!! Only one exam stands between me and summer!! My review went well. Overall, it was a really positive review; the way they should be. The whole project was really interesting. NOt something that I'd ever do professionally, but interesting to see where other people are spiritually.

But now I'm SO stinking tired. I went to church early for a leadership meeting and then kind of got slammed with what Pastor Mike talked about at church. So now I'm tired and confused. While I appreciate his effort at addressing why suffering happens, he didn't so much answer my question. Why suffering happens is quite possibly the most difficult thing to explain to people who are trying to understand God. It's the worst possible time for me to start thinking about suffering. I"m dreading next weekend, just like I've dreaded every holiday for the past seven years. I know that God is good and that he does things for a purpose... but I just don't get it. I've been able to find the joy in (almost) everything else that's happened in my life since, but I cannot understand about my brother. I don't get it.

straight lines and no caffeine

So most of today was spent trying to cut straight lines. Which is frustrating because for some reason I'm not capable of doing that and that makes me feel like a total moron. But the semester is almost over and that makes me happy.

And for some reason, I picked this week to try to give up caffeine. My hope is that I won't be quite so jittery when trying to cut straight lines. Hopefully this week won't be as bad as other semesters have been. My plan is to be done by Friday at 7pm. (and with no caffeine). So people had better call me then and if I'm in studio, come over and drag me out of there.

If you want to know what I think about Invisible Children, check out Chris's blog because I commented there. (and kind of said way too much to retype here.)

Pray at 9am on Tuesday! I have an interview!

alarm clocks, part deux

I think I have a better chance of finding one of these: http://www.cnn.com/offbeat/gallery/content.5.html
(Thanks, Yames!)

Getting up early can be quite productive. I got up at 6:30 this morning and came home from Cary, went to the gym, showered, and worked on some homework; all before church.

For those who aren't into the changes with Hungry? here's what needs to happen: 1) talk to Jeff and Jason, 2) try to adopt a good attitude for a few months and give it a fair shot, and 3) pray about it. If God is up to something big, then the changes will stick. If He's not, then the changes won't stick. I'm not completely thrilled with the changes either, but we've got to at least try it out. It's all in what you make of it. Day, time, and place shouldn't matter. The reason I keep coming is for the community, not because it fits nicely in my schedule.

Alarm Clocks

So what is it about alarm clocks that they refuse to ring some days? I have 3, count them, 3 set, but do any of them go off? no.... Okay... so maybe (just maybe) I've slept through my alarm for the past few weeks. How this is possible, I don't know. I thought Riley would wake me up when the alarm goes off. You know, rub his cold nose on me or bark or something. But nope, I wake up and he's sleeping too. Maybe if I ever get married, I'll marry someone who is capable of waking up. And then he can pull the covers off my and drag me out of bed. Or, if i'm going to the gym, put my sneakers on for me. Or, if I need to get dresssed, just pick me up and put me in shower. Now that's an alarm clock...

following the crowd

Not usually one to follow the crowd quite so much, I've decided to start a blog. Or is it a verb: blogging? Now why anyone would like to read about my life, I'm not sure, but go ahead.

So let's see... my day was GREAT! God is GREAT! can you tell that's my favorite word these days? I woke up on time for once; went to class; had lunch at this great Italian restaurant run by real Italians; and traced contour lines. So the usual, right?

BUT then... as I was leaving Bo's with Chris, this guy stops me who apparently knows my name. (this is scary). Well... it was the bully from growing up! And get this... he apologized for being so terrible to me. AND (better yet!) he accepted Christ. Seriously, the kid looked happier than I had ever seen him. So if you ever want to tell me that God can't change people, I will tell you that He can.

So I think I should go study for that test I have tomorrow.... While I'm doing that, you can check out these websites and get your architecture education for the day:
http://www.id-aep.com/ and http://www.bjac.com/