not a burning bush, but still pretty cool

Read this last night:
"You want to know why seeing stark evil hasn't made me rough or bitter? Remember, I said it was God who was prying the little girl's hands off her eyes. As if He were saying, 'I can't use ivory-tower followers. They're plaster of paris, they crumble and fall apart in life's press. So you've got to see life the way it really is before you can do anything about evil. You cannot vanquish it. I can. But in My world the battle against evil has to be a joint endeavor. You and Me. I, God, in you, can have the victory every time.'"
Christy by Catherine Marshall

Crazy how God speaks in random places. This is a fiction book that I've been reading. (It keeps finding its way to the top of the stack of serious Christian books I've got.)

I've been praying alot about why bad stuff has happened to me. And why God would want to use me if I'm such a mess. And why it is that I see the bad stuff and feel compelled to do anything about it.

invisible

I don't like being ignored.

It hurts my feelings. I take it way too personally.

I assume (perhaps wrongly? not sure) that I'm friends with the people around me. So when I get treated differently by one of those people, I freak out.

What happens is that I decide that I must have done something to make them dislike me. Which makes me more awkward than I am on a normal basis. And then it's all downhill from there.

It makes me feel invisible. Like I don't matter. Like it wouldn't matter if I was there or not because they want to avoid me anyway.

It's been a battle. Me versus Satan. Frankly, he wins way more that I'd like to admit.

I know that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. That I shouldn't care because God loves me and that's all I need. But it still bothers me to think that I ever did anything to push someone away from being my friend.

complicated

I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back.

Men are complicated.

done

3.5 years. 1 master's degree.

wow. I graduated today.

It hasn't hit me yet.

I've learned alot about what it means to obey. Even when it makes no sense. Even when I'm tired. Even when I've been told to quit.

I'm excited. Really excited.

God has big plans. He's shown me glimpses.

It's going to be awesome.

alone

Last week, Jeff emailed out a question, asking us to tell about a time in our life when we felt the most alone.

I purposefully didn't respond. I didn't want to think about it. And I certainly didn't want to hear my answer read in front of people. I almost didn't go this morning.

I feel alone most of the time.

I'm around tons of people who love me. All the time.

By worldly standards (and to be honest, most anyone's standard), I have it all: plenty of friends, an amazing job with people who also care about me, two degrees from good schools, the list keeps going...

God loves me. My friends love me. My parents love me.

Yet I can stand in a room and be completely alone.

Now let me say that I don't feel like God has left me. He's here. Right now. I've seen him do some pretty big things. And the Bible says so. I know God is still hanging out.

Let me also say that my friends are incredible. I get invited places. We do nothing together. I live with three other people and there are people here constantly. They threw me my first (and the best) surprise party ever.

So what's my problem? How can I say that I'm alone?

I don't know. But I cried this morning. Alot.

I couldn't move from my seat. I tried to pray and tears came. Jason said to stand and worship and there was no way I could.

There are days when I believe what the title of this blog is. That the Truth has set me free from the junk that's happened in my life. Set me free from myself.

But there are days when I feel like everything is happening around me and I'm just watching. LIke there's a barrier between me and them.

The worst part?

Nobody knows.

I feel badly. I feel like a fraud.

And I keep waiting to be found out. Or rescued.

The thing is, I feel selfish for even feeling this way. There are people with much bigger problems. Much worse problems. People are hungry, dying of awful diseases, being abused. And here I am in my yuppie existence whining about how alone I feel.

Which all makes me feel even more separated from the people around me. Like no one can relate to me because I'm so messed up.

I suppose the positive is that I get suffering. I want to fix it. And sometimes I'm convinced that God is with me on that.

But Satan is bound and determined to stop us. So he makes me feel alone. And convinces me that I am.

I want to put my fingers in my ears and scream at him: "I'm not listening! You're a liar!"

Because how could I possibly be alone?

Until then, I cry.

I cry for myself. I cry for those who hurt.

golfing

I need to learn to play golf. Or rather, I need to learn to hit a golf ball without totally embarrassing myself. And I should probably learn the rules too.

First of all, I don't play games with sticks and balls so well. Hitting a little tiny ball with a long stick just doesn't sound like a great idea to me. I hammer like lightning strikes: never in the same place twice.

Then there's the whole golfing culture. Do people actually golf because they like it? Or because it means you get to do business while being outside? This whole schmoozing thing is why I have to learn to play the silly game. I thought only lawyers and business people played, but I've learned that architects are all about some golf.

Golf requires special equipment. And apparently you can't just use a man's clubs. It's like using his toothbrush. So then how are you supposed to learn if you don't have clubs? There are so many sticks to pick from. Why are there so many? Why can't you just have one? And then there are those special shoes which I don't get at all. The only cool part would be getting to wear crazy plaid pants. I actually have a picture of my grandfather and his buddies in gosh-awful plaid golf gear. It could be a greeting card, really.

So, if anyone is brave enough to spend a few hours with me waving a stick at a tiny ball...

Freedom! (until mid-August anyway)

I'm free! At least until classes start back in August... One more semester and then I'll be done with my 7 1/2 years of higher education. Forever.

I like having free time after work. I can hang out, cook, send emails, read dumb chic lit, watch movies, work out... It's such a refreshing feeling to know that I don't have anything hanging over my head when I come home. I feel like I'm going to get to be myself this summer. And that the people I've known for a while now might actually get to know me. I'm much more interesting when I'm not dead exhausted. (Coherent is a magical thing.)

Maybe I'll even blog more...

New Orleans and optimism

so I"m back. thing is, I never know quite what to blog about... so I guess I'll tell you about my New Orleans class today.

Obviously, hurricane Katrina was really awful. From a design point of view though, it gives the city a chance to correct some of the major wrongdoings. and it gives the rest of us a chance to learn from all those mistakes. But how do we apply what we learned from NO? I think that architects, planners, etc need to practice what we preach. We talk all day long in classes about how sprawl is a bad thing (and very much was in NO... they sprawled out into the swamp, never a good place to build, and the place flooded) but no one is willing to give up what's needed to live in a more urban city. Change lies with my generation, but what I'm hearing from my classmates is that they're not willing to make even small changes in their own lives to become that difference. In my opinion, you lose the right to whine and complain when you refuse to become part of the solution. I fully believe that we all have the potential to change the world, if only we're willing. Perhaps my classmates are tainted by a world view of always looking out for themselves. But if we're the ones who are educated on the built environment, shouldn't we be the ones working to change all that?

I got pretty shot down in class today for my optimism and I'm okay with that. I'm not willing to let their negative opinions taint that. I really am convinced that if we educate the public on what it is that we deal with everyday, that we can start to reverse (or at least stop) the way we currently live.

have you ever...?

have you ever known one person that made you smile so much that it hurt? (in a good way, of course.) have you ever known someone that just really did it for you? have you ever looked into someone's eyes and felt like you could stay awhile? have you ever known someone that takes the neat little world you've created for yourself and turns it upside down? (again, in a good way.)

So what do you do? you don't want to be the person that always wants to "talk" because you're not that needy. you're really much more independent than that. you live by phrases like "why not?" and "you don't know unless you try." you refuse to let fear of the unknown stop you from what God has prepared for you. but how do you let that person know all this without being pathetic?

Bring on the Holy Spirit!

Those of you who know me well know that I don't often get emotional. I think that I had cried myself out several years ago. Even spiritual things rarely move me to tears. But lately, that's been different.

It all started with this: I've been stuggling lately with whether or not I played it too safe by staying in Raleigh. This is where I grew up and where my parents live again. I really feel like I'm here still for a reason and that God is up to something really huge. But it's not so much doubt that I'm doing the right thing. Perhaps by staying, I'm really giving something up? I had wanted to move to Boston and that won't be happening anytime soon, if at all. So by staying am I doing God's will and helping to advance his kingdom right where I am?

And this was somewhat brought on by the start of school and anticipating the stress that comes with architecture school. I've been in school for 20 years. This is my seventh year of higher education. I've had quite enough. Every semester I wonder "what was I thinking?"

So... Today at church we started a new series. And guess what it's on? The fruit of the Spirit! Yay! Those two short verses in Galatians are some of my absolute favorite! And possibly one of my biggest challenges. I desparately want to walk by the Spirit. I'd much rather the Holy Spirit be in charge of my life than my flesh. Today we started with love. One point that Pastor Mike made was the love registers profoundly in people's lives. This is when it all started to get me. That is so much what I want to do: show people God's love for them. I so often want to love people but I don't always feel like I'm so succesful at it. I get selfish and tired and just plain icky. But I really, really want to put others before me. I want the Spirit to show me how to do this and God to give me the energy to do this because I really don't do so well at it on my own.

To add to this, tonight we talked about treasures in heaven. Luke 12:34 says "for where your treasure is, there will be your heart also." Well, I want my treasure to be in heaven. I want everything I do to be making God smile. This doesn't always have to be as drastic as making a career of doing this, but in my case, that's exactly what it is. I want to give people hope. Hope that God loves them and that He's got awesome things in store for them. I want to touch lives and I want to do it through love.

Right.... so all of this makes me want to shout for joy and fall on my knees before the Lord. Kind of a switch in emotions, huh? So did I make the right choice by staying and working like crazy to do architecture? I think so. I'm really excited to see what God is up to. Overwhelmed at times, but excited.

Thanks for reading all the way through this. =) Have a good week!

an off day

so you know it's going to be an interesting day when you realize that you've brushed your teeth at least twice, can't remember if you fed the dog or not, and leave the house with your coffee in a regular mug and not a travel one...

It didn't turn out to be a bad day by any means. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I just had an icky day. I only worked a half day since school starts tomorrow and then I went to the mall. I just came home feeling really blah. Kathryn made shrimp and grits (yummy!) for dinner tonight and that vastly improved my day. Then we Goodwilled and Targeted. But you know, I'm still dragging. Maybe it's just the dreading of school? I dunno... Because I haven't had an icky day in quite some time. I usually have really good days. Blah.

Anywho, I hope that you're having a great day!

once again, joining the trend...

I've spent the last little bit playing on Facebook. You have to find me under NC State though because some people are confused and think that I actually go to school there. LOL (Ok, so maybe I do... but I'm really a Carolina girl.)

School starts on Wednesday and I am NOT excited about it one single bit. I really just don't want to go. I don't like the stress and competition that exists there. Working all summer has been way, way better than school. I just want to graduate with my piece of paper.

Things I am excited about: talking about life with friends, playing with my dog, knowing that I'm being who God wants me to be, smiling alot, Jesus vidoes on Vintage21.com, figuring out iTunes, buying 6 pounds of coffee on sale, yup, still smiling, swings at the park, having a going away party (even though I'm staying), sleeping in, taking naps, seeing friends that haven't been seen in a while, phone calls, dancing in the grocery store (or anywhere else for that matter).

An interesting challenge: Ask God what His will is. And then ask how you can help fulfill that here on Earth.

Comments are welcome. Otherwise, I might not bother to blog.

I'm back!

So Emily reminded me that I do, in fact, have a blog... so here I am. I've never been much of a journaler, so this is a bit of a challenge for me.

To catch you up, I've been interning at an architecture firm. It's been awesome! School and work are SO much different. This is my last week of full-time and I'm really sad. The good news is that I get to stay! Yay! It'll be great to have real architects to encourage me when school gets crazy.

Other than that, I've been going to weddings, etc. and hanging out with the people from Hope. God has really put me in an awesome place! I have met so many people over the past year. Sometimes we'll be hanging out and I stop and thank God for bringing me this group of people my age to have fun with and grow with.

The really awesome thing that's happened was a few weeks ago at Chavis Park. If I knew how to put pictures up here, then I would, but I can't, so I'll just have to tell you about it. We hung out all afternoon, playing, eating, and talking with some residents of Southeast Raleigh. It was a blast! I knew that it was going to be okay, but God exceeded my expectations of the turnout. I've been praying for a long time about what could be done in that area of town. There's so much need there. While I still don't have the solution, I think that God is well on HIs way of showing me how we from Hope can get involved and make a difference. I think that we made a good start at making connections there. I'm still having a hard time putting all of it in words, but I'd love to talk to you more about it. We'll be going back and hanging out soon! Ideas on what to do? Please share!

So what else? Really just loving life and where I'm at now and looking forward to where I'm going. Seriously! I know it sounds cheesy.

Think. Believe. Dream. DARE. ~ Walt Disney

lots of random thoughts

So I've been doing lots of thinking lately... so just a warning that this may be rather random...

I just finished watching the Notebook. Now, I almost never cry over movies, especially chic flicks. But oh my gosh... the old people really got to me in this one. Combined with my recent ponderings on my current state of singleness, let's just say I was definitely a mess. I know that I joke alot about being old and how I don't date and I don't want to give anyone the idea that that's all I think about or that I'm desparate or anything, but I have been thinking about it all lately. (Note to self: don't watch chic flicks for a while.)

I'll be 25 in 6 months and I have to say that it is rather discourgaging when so many people my age or younger are getting married in the next few years. I haven't given up hope that God does want me to get married and have a family. Until I hear a really loud "No!" from Him, then I"m not ready to accept staying single forever. So I'm optomistic, don't get me wrong... God keeps giving me hints, which is awesome, but rather frustrating at the same time. I know what I want, I just know that I can't have it yet and I don't know why. I want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. Since I've never been the dating type, I know that God is up to something huge. (and besides, does anything in my life ever happen the "normal way?") Now it's all a matter of waiting...

Meanwhile, I've got to become 100% comfortable with myself. Now, most of the time I've got it more or less together. And I've been learning alot about myself lately. I don't want to be the center of attention; in fact, I really hate being the center. My favorite people are the ones that you can do absolutely nothing with and have the best time ever with. Talking isn't even necessary sometimes with these people. I want to be loved. I want to be liked. I want to slow down. I desparately want to be exactly who God made me to be. I don't want to sit around and ask permission anymore. I want to do things. Big things. And to do it, I'm going to need someone to keep me grounded.

being a grown up, part II

So apparently my post didn't actually post last night. And I can't exactly remember what I wrote...

I organized the finish library today, which is not an easy task. Maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit of a tomboy. Who else climbs on ladders and uses a screwdriver while wearing a skirt? So I am dead exhausted. Despite being so tired, work is still going great. I just like being there, even on days like today when I don't do any architecting. But sometimes that means I get to do other things that I enjoy, like creating new boards for the lobby. Which is funny to me that they trust me to do that kind of graphic/presentation work since my professor this past semester gave me a bad grade on presentation. Everyone else in the world seems to think that I'm actually good at it.

Oh yeah, now I remember the part about being a grownup. I've realized that if someone hurts my feelings or upsets me somehow, then I should just suck it and be mildly assertive and let them know that I was hurt. This is much more effective than being annoyed about it and saying or doing silly things.

Other thought of the day: have you ever finally figured out what you want, only to realize that you can't have it just yet?

being a grownup

Monday is my first day being a grown-up. (Well, sort of...) I get to put on nice clothes and go to a job that doesn't involve water or small children. I've been looking forward to this forever. I just wish that I didn't have to go back to school in the fall. For those of you who don't know, I'll be working at Integrated Design all summer. (and maybe into the fall?)

Anyone up for a cookout sometime soon? Let me know! I like "more the merrier" events.

being a social retard

Have you ever felt lilke a social retard? I feel that way 95% of the time. I've learned to deal with it most of the time. It takes everything I've got to be cheerful and friendly some days. My entire life I've had to deal with this and I do not like it. And even when I manage to be a good party-goer, the entire time I feel awkward, out of place, and completely nerdy. Other days, I don't like to make plans because I wonder if people really want to hang out with me. Which makes me feel even sillier for even thinking such a thing.

And the strangest thing is, no one ever seems to catch onto this. Why?

Overall, I'm a fairly confident person. (FYI: if you ever pray for confidence, you'd better mean it. Because God will definitley teach you what it means to be confident. Take my word for it.) But for some reason, when it comes to socializing like a normal human being, I feel like I fail miserably.

I say all this not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. (Trust me, that would make it worse). I just want you to know that if it ever seems like I'm trying to hard to be social, then that's why.

On a good note, I got an internship! Yay! I'll be working at Integrated Design starting on Monday! I get an email address and a desk and everything.

near misses and could-have-beens

I'm not sure why I always have to defend myself about this, but for some reason, I always end up needing to set the record straight. When do I get to be too old for this? So if you're a man, please keep reading.

I am not your little sister. I am not one of the guys. I am not a tomboy. I am not someone you tolerate hanging out with. I am not a little kid.

I am a GIRL. Not a feminazi, just a girl who expects to be treated like a girl.

Am I incredilbly self-concisous about this? You bet.

Architecture for Humanity

Your architecture site of the day is this: Architecture for Humanity The thing is, architecture doesn't have to just be for people who have lots of money or want to use smart sounding words to say absolutely nothing or for people who wear artsy looking glasses. It really is for everyone. Think about it: architects design spaces, basically meaning that we make inside. And don't we all like to stay dry and thermally happy? So if you've ever wondered why I look so tired from school or why I have scars all over my hands from late night use of an exacto blade, that's why. Call me crazy, but I really think that architects have a lot of power to really make some changes in this crazy world we live in. If we make inside, then we have the ability to create really great places for people to live, work, and play. If they have these great spaces, then maybe they'll want to gather in those spaces and create community. If they have community, then maybe some good will come from that sense of belonging. Crazier things have happened...

Call me crazy...

I want to do a triathalon this summer or fall. I know that's crazy and would require me to actually be in shape, but I've always wanted to do one. I don't even care if I finish well or not, just so long as I actually finish. And I've found some that are fairly short distances. Here are links to those: UNC Wellness Super Sprint and Fit and Able. If anyone is interested in attempting one of these with me, that'd be fun. I can teach you how to swim properly if you promise to motivate me to run. Let me know.