Monday, May 07, 2007

a million thoughts

There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. I'd like to be able to write a coherent post on each of them, but I can't seem to get all the thoughts to stop colliding long enough.

I graduated almost five months ago. I never have to go back to school again. Ever. Which slightly makes my head spin because now I really can get on with the real life I've dreamed about.

Which makes me wonder what real life is. I thought my life would look different when I was approaching 26 1/2. I'm a "grown up" now. Whatever that means. Maybe I should do grownup things. Take a trip to Home Depot or something. I thought I'd be married by 27. I thought I'd take myself way more seriously. I thought I'd be able to sit still without giggling or fidgeting.

Instead, I find myself doing a whole lot of having fun/nothing. I know some pretty amazing people around here. I'm pretty much always amazed at how great a community that God has put me in. I don't know what I'd do without these people. Whether it's all hanging out together or sitting on the porch talking to a few people, it's just good.

Even when it's not. Even when I'm upset by things people do. Even when I feel all alone and like I've got no one to talk to. Even when I feel all dark and twisty like Meredith Grey. I know that I have to get over myself and open up and that people around me love me anyway.

I feel like I talk about myself alot. I feel like I use the word "alot" alot. I don't like to bring attention to myself. Please don't misunderstand that. (ok, and I feel like I'm misunderstood all the time.) It's just that I'd rather focus on other people.

Which means that I actually like doign things like cooking for people or whatever. And I think that's scary to some people. It's too much somehow. I try to tone it down, really, I do. It scares people. (And by people, I mean boy people.) I'm not exactly super-ready to be all house-wifey or anything but isn't it supposed to be a good thing that I can handle domestic things?

I've started looking at buying a house. What an adventure that's starting to become... more on that another day. For now, let's just say that I'm excited. Even thought i have absolutely no clue as to where I'll be in 2 or 3 years.

All this makes me wonder just what God is up to in my life. I'm pretty confused right now. What on earth am I doing? I can go anywhere and do anything. Missions? Peace Corps? Rose Fellowship? Keep on working? Does it matter? Is working for a non-Christian group okay if I do humanitarian work?

Because right now, I can't have what I want. And I don't like not getting what I want.

I don't like being called overdramatic. I don't like feeling overdramatic. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be feminine.

I've been stuck in the boat lately. And every time I feel like stepping out of it, I feel myself getting pulled back in. For so long, I talked about jumping out of the boat and holding onto Christ's hand and just going. I'm getting tired of paddling. I want the faith to get out of the boat.