I should start with this: I've started this post a few times but never posted for fear of offending people. So I apologize in advance if anyone is offended.
I love my life as a single woman: I have really amazing friends. I own an adorable little house. Riley and Linus are really good roommates.
Yes, it's hard sometimes to be single. But I'm hopeful that will change one day.
What's bothered me lately is this: Married women often make me feel like I don't matter.** (Yikes! There, I said it out loud.)
They talk down to me. I feel like some stupid college kid even though I'm about the same age.
They prattle on about their lives but rarely appear interested in mine. I guess since I don't have a husband, nothing in my life is worth mentioning.
Perhaps this seems ridiculous.
But I'd really like to get to know some of the married women around me. I realize that I can't be best friends with them but I would like to be better acquainted. Besides, diversity is what makes life interesting. If we put the obvious married/single difference aside, I'm sure we'd find that we had several things in common.
I could make a better effort to get to know some of these women. But it's hard after you get shut down so many times.
So I find myself drifting further and further into the single's club. ***
** There are married women who I love dearly and don't know what I'd do without them.
*** Y'all are awesome!
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
cool place in Arkansas
I know, I know. What could possibly be cool to look at in Arkansas? Check this out:
http://architectureandmorality.blogspot.com/2008/10/architectural-delicacy-thorncrown.html
http://architectureandmorality.blogspot.com/2008/10/architectural-delicacy-thorncrown.html
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Finding a Voice
Several months ago, it was conveyed to me that much of what goes on in my head is worth sharing.
This had never occurred to me before.
I've been thinking alot about that over the past few months and finally got around to talking about it with Traci and Julie. I'm still thinking about it.
Here's the scary part: Essentially, I've been telling myself that I don't matter.
Yikes!
The more I think about it, the more I realize how little I use my voice: I don't often offer an opinion in a conversation, even with friends. I rarely call anyone for a chat. I'm resistant to Twitter, blogging, Facebook, etc. I simply cannot imagine that anyone could possibly be that interested in what I have to say. Even in discussions (i.e. times when opinions are being tossed around), I just don't think that anything I have to say will contribute very much to what's already being said.
I can't actually think of a time when anyone came right out and told me that what I had to say didn't matter. It's difficult for me to verbalize what I'm thinking sometimes and there have been some awkward moments on my part but still, no one has ever told me to stop talking.
The work I do all day long involves throwing ideas around until a solution is reached. I'm friends with people who love to think. I would like to participate but I just can't seem to get myself unstuck from saying nothing or acting like I don't think.
So if I don't feel like I have anything to say, then why I am writing this? In part, maybe it's that by sharing I'll realize how ridiculous it is and will be able to convince myself that I do have the right to have a voice.
I've been told numerous times that I'm passionate, intelligent, and talented. Assuming that's true, then I'm not living up to my potential by keeping my mouth shut.
My desire is to help people (more on that another time. that's a post of it's own). What I'm realizing is that in order to do that, I need to find my voice. If not ultimately so I can talk about myself all the time, then eventually for the greater good of other people.
As I was looking up a quote from Gandhi (We must be the change we wish to see), I came across this one:
"The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within."
Smart guy that Gandhi.
This had never occurred to me before.
I've been thinking alot about that over the past few months and finally got around to talking about it with Traci and Julie. I'm still thinking about it.
Here's the scary part: Essentially, I've been telling myself that I don't matter.
Yikes!
The more I think about it, the more I realize how little I use my voice: I don't often offer an opinion in a conversation, even with friends. I rarely call anyone for a chat. I'm resistant to Twitter, blogging, Facebook, etc. I simply cannot imagine that anyone could possibly be that interested in what I have to say. Even in discussions (i.e. times when opinions are being tossed around), I just don't think that anything I have to say will contribute very much to what's already being said.
I can't actually think of a time when anyone came right out and told me that what I had to say didn't matter. It's difficult for me to verbalize what I'm thinking sometimes and there have been some awkward moments on my part but still, no one has ever told me to stop talking.
The work I do all day long involves throwing ideas around until a solution is reached. I'm friends with people who love to think. I would like to participate but I just can't seem to get myself unstuck from saying nothing or acting like I don't think.
So if I don't feel like I have anything to say, then why I am writing this? In part, maybe it's that by sharing I'll realize how ridiculous it is and will be able to convince myself that I do have the right to have a voice.
I've been told numerous times that I'm passionate, intelligent, and talented. Assuming that's true, then I'm not living up to my potential by keeping my mouth shut.
My desire is to help people (more on that another time. that's a post of it's own). What I'm realizing is that in order to do that, I need to find my voice. If not ultimately so I can talk about myself all the time, then eventually for the greater good of other people.
As I was looking up a quote from Gandhi (We must be the change we wish to see), I came across this one:
"The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within."
Smart guy that Gandhi.
Monday, September 08, 2008
ballet and theatre
I love, love, love ballet and theatre. Yet for some reason, I never go. Here are some shows I'd like to see:
Carolina Ballet
Messiah
Nutcracker
Broadway Series South
Chicago
Stomp
Theatre in the Park
A Christmas Carol
Playmakers Repertory Company
The Glass Menagerie
Carolina Ballet
Messiah
Nutcracker
Broadway Series South
Chicago
Stomp
Theatre in the Park
A Christmas Carol
Playmakers Repertory Company
The Glass Menagerie
burnt out
I've officially reached burn out.
I've been insanely busy before. I've been pretty tired before. I've juggled more things than should be possible. I've dealt with devastating family issues and still kept going. I did it all and then some and still had plenty of energy to do more.
But the past few months have been pretty rough. I've been beyond tired. I can't remember the last time my head or throat didn't hurt. I've gained weight. I'm disorganized. I don't make my bed every day.
There have been a few times lately that I've truly had a chance to relax. Each time I've thought "This is what I'm missing. This is how everyone else must feel most of the time."
So I'm getting back on track by slowing down, relaxing, and learning to say no.
I've been insanely busy before. I've been pretty tired before. I've juggled more things than should be possible. I've dealt with devastating family issues and still kept going. I did it all and then some and still had plenty of energy to do more.
But the past few months have been pretty rough. I've been beyond tired. I can't remember the last time my head or throat didn't hurt. I've gained weight. I'm disorganized. I don't make my bed every day.
There have been a few times lately that I've truly had a chance to relax. Each time I've thought "This is what I'm missing. This is how everyone else must feel most of the time."
So I'm getting back on track by slowing down, relaxing, and learning to say no.
Monday, September 01, 2008
Art
While we were at the NC Museum of Art this weekend, Bernie overheard a kid say "I could do that."
Which got me to thinking. Why do people always say that about modern art?
[The artist we were looking at is Julie Mehretu and her work is way more detailed than it seems at a distance.]
Admitedly, I've seen some splatters on canvas and probably even some mostly blank canvases displayed. I've seen piles of junk and scribbles. I'm a fairly abstract thinker and I've definitely seen things that I don't get.
What I don't think people realize is that this is how these artists express themselves. It's how they communicate. We all have some way that we communicate who we are and what we're thinking. Artists are just crazy enough to put it on canvas and display it.
It's never as simple as it looks.
I say this, but I think everyone can create their own artwork. You don't have to be able to explain it. Part of the expression is in the doing.
The best part about abstract art is that there aren't any rules. You can do anything you want with any medium you want.
I realize that most people haven't done any kind of art since elementary school. But if you're reading this, then I encourage you to give it a try this week. Find some paint or crayons and go crazy. =)
Which got me to thinking. Why do people always say that about modern art?
[The artist we were looking at is Julie Mehretu and her work is way more detailed than it seems at a distance.]
Admitedly, I've seen some splatters on canvas and probably even some mostly blank canvases displayed. I've seen piles of junk and scribbles. I'm a fairly abstract thinker and I've definitely seen things that I don't get.
What I don't think people realize is that this is how these artists express themselves. It's how they communicate. We all have some way that we communicate who we are and what we're thinking. Artists are just crazy enough to put it on canvas and display it.
It's never as simple as it looks.
I say this, but I think everyone can create their own artwork. You don't have to be able to explain it. Part of the expression is in the doing.
The best part about abstract art is that there aren't any rules. You can do anything you want with any medium you want.
I realize that most people haven't done any kind of art since elementary school. But if you're reading this, then I encourage you to give it a try this week. Find some paint or crayons and go crazy. =)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Motivation
Anyone who has been around me lately has probably heard me complaining about my job. (sorry.) Which leaves even me wondering why I keep working there.
Back when I decided to go to grad school for architecture, I decided that I wanted to do something different. I wanted to help people, not just design fancy things for fancy clients.
Fast forward a few years to my first year of grad school. A professor invites me to a conference called "Structure for Inclusion." Guess what I learned? People actually do help people with architecture. Amazing!
Since then, I've learned of several organizations and fellowships that exist for this purpose. I've even been to Africa with one such organization.
So clearly it's entirely possible to make this happen. I should remember this and not lose sight of my goal. I know this.
What's stopping me then? Experience for one. Most positions with these organizations require about 5 years of experience (I have 3) and management experience. The two that I'm most interested in are headquartered in San Francisco. I've always lived here so moving that far away would be pretty huge.
Beyond that, I think I just get disillusioned with an average day in the architecture world. It's very driven by developers who have lots of money but very little taste and by bureaucrats who wield power by enforcing rules.
Despite all my complaining, I know there are several things keeping me at my current job which will benefit me if/when I do make the jump to the next step: doing projects for non-profits, participating in AFH competitions, heading up Canstruction, taking 2 weeks off to go on an emi trip, and piles of management experience that I shouldn't have had yet.
Even though this is several years off (and even if I never do large scale architecture do-gooding), I'm trying to make a point to not let all the every day junk get me down. So if you hear me complaining, please remind me that there is a point to all the craziness.
Back when I decided to go to grad school for architecture, I decided that I wanted to do something different. I wanted to help people, not just design fancy things for fancy clients.
Fast forward a few years to my first year of grad school. A professor invites me to a conference called "Structure for Inclusion." Guess what I learned? People actually do help people with architecture. Amazing!
Since then, I've learned of several organizations and fellowships that exist for this purpose. I've even been to Africa with one such organization.
So clearly it's entirely possible to make this happen. I should remember this and not lose sight of my goal. I know this.
What's stopping me then? Experience for one. Most positions with these organizations require about 5 years of experience (I have 3) and management experience. The two that I'm most interested in are headquartered in San Francisco. I've always lived here so moving that far away would be pretty huge.
Beyond that, I think I just get disillusioned with an average day in the architecture world. It's very driven by developers who have lots of money but very little taste and by bureaucrats who wield power by enforcing rules.
Despite all my complaining, I know there are several things keeping me at my current job which will benefit me if/when I do make the jump to the next step: doing projects for non-profits, participating in AFH competitions, heading up Canstruction, taking 2 weeks off to go on an emi trip, and piles of management experience that I shouldn't have had yet.
Even though this is several years off (and even if I never do large scale architecture do-gooding), I'm trying to make a point to not let all the every day junk get me down. So if you hear me complaining, please remind me that there is a point to all the craziness.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Balance
I've lost my sense of balance lately.
Until a little over a year ago, my life was always heavily weighted toward school and school related activities. Even with grad school being so consuming, I still felt more even than I do now.
For the first time in my life, there is no obvious next thing. In school, I knew that the end of a semester would be packed but there would be a break soon. Besides, someone else had planned that for me. Who was I to argue with a few days off?
But now my time is my own. Even my work schedule is more or less up to me. Yet I don't take advantage of it like I should.
Instead, I tend to swing between extremes. One week I'll work too much, not see or talk to people at all, completely forget to visit with God, never make it to the gym and not eat a single meal that isn't a sandwich. The next week will be the total opposite.
The result is that I'm exhausted. I don't even feel human some days.
What I've got to learn to do is balance my life. There are some things that I have to do and a whole bunch more that I want to do.
Some of the things that I "have" to do are all in my head. I get stuck there sometimes and usually need help getting unstuck. That seems to be what's really throwing me off balance.
With balance comes order. I like order. The lack of it is making me crazy.
Until a little over a year ago, my life was always heavily weighted toward school and school related activities. Even with grad school being so consuming, I still felt more even than I do now.
For the first time in my life, there is no obvious next thing. In school, I knew that the end of a semester would be packed but there would be a break soon. Besides, someone else had planned that for me. Who was I to argue with a few days off?
But now my time is my own. Even my work schedule is more or less up to me. Yet I don't take advantage of it like I should.
Instead, I tend to swing between extremes. One week I'll work too much, not see or talk to people at all, completely forget to visit with God, never make it to the gym and not eat a single meal that isn't a sandwich. The next week will be the total opposite.
The result is that I'm exhausted. I don't even feel human some days.
What I've got to learn to do is balance my life. There are some things that I have to do and a whole bunch more that I want to do.
Some of the things that I "have" to do are all in my head. I get stuck there sometimes and usually need help getting unstuck. That seems to be what's really throwing me off balance.
With balance comes order. I like order. The lack of it is making me crazy.
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