Sunday, September 14, 2008

Finding a Voice

Several months ago, it was conveyed to me that much of what goes on in my head is worth sharing.

This had never occurred to me before.

I've been thinking alot about that over the past few months and finally got around to talking about it with Traci and Julie. I'm still thinking about it.

Here's the scary part: Essentially, I've been telling myself that I don't matter.


The more I think about it, the more I realize how little I use my voice: I don't often offer an opinion in a conversation, even with friends. I rarely call anyone for a chat. I'm resistant to Twitter, blogging, Facebook, etc. I simply cannot imagine that anyone could possibly be that interested in what I have to say. Even in discussions (i.e. times when opinions are being tossed around), I just don't think that anything I have to say will contribute very much to what's already being said.

I can't actually think of a time when anyone came right out and told me that what I had to say didn't matter. It's difficult for me to verbalize what I'm thinking sometimes and there have been some awkward moments on my part but still, no one has ever told me to stop talking.

The work I do all day long involves throwing ideas around until a solution is reached. I'm friends with people who love to think. I would like to participate but I just can't seem to get myself unstuck from saying nothing or acting like I don't think.

So if I don't feel like I have anything to say, then why I am writing this? In part, maybe it's that by sharing I'll realize how ridiculous it is and will be able to convince myself that I do have the right to have a voice.

I've been told numerous times that I'm passionate, intelligent, and talented. Assuming that's true, then I'm not living up to my potential by keeping my mouth shut.

My desire is to help people (more on that another time. that's a post of it's own). What I'm realizing is that in order to do that, I need to find my voice. If not ultimately so I can talk about myself all the time, then eventually for the greater good of other people.

As I was looking up a quote from Gandhi (We must be the change we wish to see), I came across this one:

"The only tyrant I accept in this world is the still voice within."

Smart guy that Gandhi.

Monday, September 08, 2008

ballet and theatre

I love, love, love ballet and theatre. Yet for some reason, I never go. Here are some shows I'd like to see:
Carolina Ballet

Broadway Series South

Theatre in the Park
A Christmas Carol

Playmakers Repertory Company
The Glass Menagerie

burnt out

I've officially reached burn out.

I've been insanely busy before. I've been pretty tired before. I've juggled more things than should be possible. I've dealt with devastating family issues and still kept going. I did it all and then some and still had plenty of energy to do more.

But the past few months have been pretty rough. I've been beyond tired. I can't remember the last time my head or throat didn't hurt. I've gained weight. I'm disorganized. I don't make my bed every day.

There have been a few times lately that I've truly had a chance to relax. Each time I've thought "This is what I'm missing. This is how everyone else must feel most of the time."

So I'm getting back on track by slowing down, relaxing, and learning to say no.

Monday, September 01, 2008


While we were at the NC Museum of Art this weekend, Bernie overheard a kid say "I could do that."

Which got me to thinking. Why do people always say that about modern art?

[The artist we were looking at is Julie Mehretu and her work is way more detailed than it seems at a distance.]

Admitedly, I've seen some splatters on canvas and probably even some mostly blank canvases displayed. I've seen piles of junk and scribbles. I'm a fairly abstract thinker and I've definitely seen things that I don't get.

What I don't think people realize is that this is how these artists express themselves. It's how they communicate. We all have some way that we communicate who we are and what we're thinking. Artists are just crazy enough to put it on canvas and display it.

It's never as simple as it looks.

I say this, but I think everyone can create their own artwork. You don't have to be able to explain it. Part of the expression is in the doing.

The best part about abstract art is that there aren't any rules. You can do anything you want with any medium you want.

I realize that most people haven't done any kind of art since elementary school. But if you're reading this, then I encourage you to give it a try this week. Find some paint or crayons and go crazy. =)