confrontation

Normally, I hate confrontation. Avoid it at all possible costs. Don't even consider it as an option. Brush it under the rug as "it'll get better" or "I'm over-reacting" or "it's not my place" or any number of other excuses.

I'm learning to like it.

I can't believe I just said that.

After a good solid year of repeatedly feeling disrespected by a manager at work, I've decided that I'd had enough.

After another manager convinced me to stand up to him, he got in my face and yelled. We then had the same conversation that we've had about the issue for the past year.

I tried just sucking it up and doing the work and not letting it get to me. The work got done but I was miserable.

I tried making excuses about being humble but I couldn't seem to reconcile what I understand about Jesus with being a doormat.

I realized that I had three choices: 1. let him continue to disrespect me, 2. find a new job, and 3. talk to my boss about it. By not saying anything I felt like I was enabling the situation. By leaving I lose out big time. I like my job alot. There are tons of reasons why I don't want to get a new job. (More on that another time. I'm still a little (ok, alot) blown away by it.)

Leaving option number three.

My boss was totally cool with me talking to him. He even suggested that I talk more with this manager and with the others that also work for him. I felt somewhat like we were ganging up on the guy. But I asked my boss for help in the situation and this is what he suggested.

We made sure to present him with positives and with some concrete actions he could take to help prevent this tension from developing.

Part of my feels really badly for making such a fuss. The rest of me feels darn good that I was able to talk to him without crying or backing down, all while knowing that my boss was totally cool with me talking to this guy.

This isn't to say that I don't take some responsibility for the tension. I do take things he's said a little too personally sometimes. I actually really think this guy is a good guy which is probably why it bothers me so much that I have issues working with him.

However...

I know full well that this is going to happen again. He'll treat me better for a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a few months. And then it's going to happen again. I'd like to be optimistic about it.

It's no longer an isolated incident. We can't get along with everyone all the time. But we're in this cycle. It happens to other people in the office. But it's out there in the open now.

All this to say that I'm actually feeling good about the situation. It was an exhausting afternoon.

Advice from my mentor was this: how I handle this situation is going to set the tone for how I handle my career from here on out. It's also going to set the tone for how much I repsect myself and impact my life beyond work. (darn him. he has a trend toward being right all too often.)

If nothing else, it shows that I'm willing to man up to the tension and attempt to wrestle with it and deal with it.

It seems better just being able to say that I"m not okay with something.

I've previously been a world champion faker. I'm done. Finished.

house pictures (finally)

Welcome to Jones Street! This is my house. It was built around 1920 and is a bungalow style house. Keep scrolling down for more pictures.










the living room. the panel door on the left goes to a bedroom.











The fireplace in the living room.












The bathroom. You can't tell from the picture, but it was paneled around the existing elements.

















Dining room. Seriously sagging floors in this room.











Kitchen (an appropriate Go Heels! color) Definitely major demolition scheduled for this room.

















That's all. There are 2 bedrooms and a back den area but there's not much to see so I didn't post pictures*. If you ever get bored or frustrated and want to peel some paint or wallpaper, just call.

* Thanks to my picture-posting coach for explaining how to put pictures on this thing.

actually remembering to blog: take 463

So clearly my attempts to keep up with blogging haven't gone so well yet again...

I think it's a little weird to post things that go on in my head on the internets. Maybe it's a nice way to keep people up to date with my life. (of course, then I wonder who on earth is reading this.) The problem is that I can't give a simple play-by-play without going off on tangents. Hence my most recent nickname of "spaghetti girl." I could write for hours. Maybe I should aim for a little bit each night.

Thought for the week (ok, the past couple of weeks): Where's the line between humility and doormat-ity?

** house pictures coming as soon as I find the USB cable.

new (old) house

Soon you will see pictures of my house! (when I figure out how to get them on here.)

Per a really good suggestion, I'm going to keep track of my crazy house remodeling adventure through this blog thing. (which I have also never quite figured out.)

The house was built around 1920. So there are 87 years of paint/wallpaper/gosh-knows-what to be stripped/resurfaced/otherwise demolished.

Check back later this week and I'll at least have a link to pictures up here.

a million thoughts

There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. I'd like to be able to write a coherent post on each of them, but I can't seem to get all the thoughts to stop colliding long enough.

I graduated almost five months ago. I never have to go back to school again. Ever. Which slightly makes my head spin because now I really can get on with the real life I've dreamed about.

Which makes me wonder what real life is. I thought my life would look different when I was approaching 26 1/2. I'm a "grown up" now. Whatever that means. Maybe I should do grownup things. Take a trip to Home Depot or something. I thought I'd be married by 27. I thought I'd take myself way more seriously. I thought I'd be able to sit still without giggling or fidgeting.

Instead, I find myself doing a whole lot of having fun/nothing. I know some pretty amazing people around here. I'm pretty much always amazed at how great a community that God has put me in. I don't know what I'd do without these people. Whether it's all hanging out together or sitting on the porch talking to a few people, it's just good.

Even when it's not. Even when I'm upset by things people do. Even when I feel all alone and like I've got no one to talk to. Even when I feel all dark and twisty like Meredith Grey. I know that I have to get over myself and open up and that people around me love me anyway.

I feel like I talk about myself alot. I feel like I use the word "alot" alot. I don't like to bring attention to myself. Please don't misunderstand that. (ok, and I feel like I'm misunderstood all the time.) It's just that I'd rather focus on other people.

Which means that I actually like doign things like cooking for people or whatever. And I think that's scary to some people. It's too much somehow. I try to tone it down, really, I do. It scares people. (And by people, I mean boy people.) I'm not exactly super-ready to be all house-wifey or anything but isn't it supposed to be a good thing that I can handle domestic things?

I've started looking at buying a house. What an adventure that's starting to become... more on that another day. For now, let's just say that I'm excited. Even thought i have absolutely no clue as to where I'll be in 2 or 3 years.

All this makes me wonder just what God is up to in my life. I'm pretty confused right now. What on earth am I doing? I can go anywhere and do anything. Missions? Peace Corps? Rose Fellowship? Keep on working? Does it matter? Is working for a non-Christian group okay if I do humanitarian work?

Because right now, I can't have what I want. And I don't like not getting what I want.

I don't like being called overdramatic. I don't like feeling overdramatic. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be feminine.

I've been stuck in the boat lately. And every time I feel like stepping out of it, I feel myself getting pulled back in. For so long, I talked about jumping out of the boat and holding onto Christ's hand and just going. I'm getting tired of paddling. I want the faith to get out of the boat.

near... far...

(if you know what childhood show the title is from, you win.)

Who is your neighbor?

That's what has been asked lately, along with some insight on the good Samaritian story. Jeramie and Jeff have both had really good things to say. And there have been some cool discussions as a result.

Lately, I've been torn between being here in the States or being in sub-Saharan Africa.

Either way, I have a pretty rough idea of what God will have me doing. I'm not real worried about that. It's just a question of where.

[As a side note, I don't often like people to know that I went to NC State. It has nothing to do with sports. In fact, I don't want people to know that I have too much education. I'd much rather be seen as a godly woman rather than a career woman. Long story short, God has long since been leading me to meet people's needs. I have the ability to create spaces and built environments that can help other people help people. I don't do relational ministry. I'm not a teacher. I'm not a doctor or a nurse. But I can help those people change the world.]

Seeing poverty here in the US is hard because it's in stark contrast to most of the rest of us. How can the richest, most powerful country in the whole world have people who are going hungry? It's hard to see people go to work and struggle to keep their families fed and warm. But I'm not sure how I fit into making a difference. I don't do politics or policy. I'm not good at relational things, which is what I'm finding is a huge need here: some people to take the time to invest in a person's life and help teach them and encourage them toward some good decisions. Are there plenty of ways that I can help those people do that? Probably. But thus far, I haven't had the opportunity to do so. (Maybe not entirely true. The project I designed just needs funding. And is held up in city policy limbo.)

I don't know if it's frustration with the way poverty is handled here or if God is leading my heart in a different direction.

Here's where the confusion sets in: I leave for Africa in a few weeks. And I am more excited than I can possibly handle. I get to do what I've been talking about for so long. The more I read about Africa, particularly Sub-Saharan, the more I know that I cannot possibly stay here. I wish I could explain it better. Maybe God will explain it to me while I'm there.

Because that's almost a total 180 from what I've been up to the past few years. A while back, some of us started hanging out around Chavis Park near downtown. We've had a few cookouts, done some daycamp, mostly painted a house, and adopted a few families we met. All really great stuff. I guess I kind of started alot of it. I worry that people see me as the local outreach girl. And lately, I haven't been comfortable with that. So I've been real excited to see at least one home group at Visio Dei really jump on getting involved down there. Perhaps all I had to do was get the ball rolling and now other people can take it on without me.

Regardless, I'm here full time for the next few years. I should at least finish my internship hours. (A few more years of experience is probably a good idea. We don't want things falling down on people.) And if I got that far, I should maybe just go ahead and take my AREs. If I'm legal in the US, I should be legit pretty much anywhere.

Ideally, I'd never have to choose. I'd spend part of my year here and part in Africa (and maybe other places.) If poverty is a global problem, why can't I approach it from different angles? Logistically, I have no clue as to how that might actually happen. I think that's the part I'm looking forward to: seeing how God has it all planned out. Because part of that definitely involves some huge life decisions. And that's exciting.

I'm ready for some serious revolution in my life. I think this is a good start.

cell phones

Generally, in order to get a new cell phone, you have to sign a two year contract.

You have a phone. It probably doesn't work very well. You'd like one that works better. You realize that you could have a better one. You know there are better ones out there.

Instead, you settle.

not a burning bush, but still pretty cool

Read this last night:
"You want to know why seeing stark evil hasn't made me rough or bitter? Remember, I said it was God who was prying the little girl's hands off her eyes. As if He were saying, 'I can't use ivory-tower followers. They're plaster of paris, they crumble and fall apart in life's press. So you've got to see life the way it really is before you can do anything about evil. You cannot vanquish it. I can. But in My world the battle against evil has to be a joint endeavor. You and Me. I, God, in you, can have the victory every time.'"
Christy by Catherine Marshall

Crazy how God speaks in random places. This is a fiction book that I've been reading. (It keeps finding its way to the top of the stack of serious Christian books I've got.)

I've been praying alot about why bad stuff has happened to me. And why God would want to use me if I'm such a mess. And why it is that I see the bad stuff and feel compelled to do anything about it.

invisible

I don't like being ignored.

It hurts my feelings. I take it way too personally.

I assume (perhaps wrongly? not sure) that I'm friends with the people around me. So when I get treated differently by one of those people, I freak out.

What happens is that I decide that I must have done something to make them dislike me. Which makes me more awkward than I am on a normal basis. And then it's all downhill from there.

It makes me feel invisible. Like I don't matter. Like it wouldn't matter if I was there or not because they want to avoid me anyway.

It's been a battle. Me versus Satan. Frankly, he wins way more that I'd like to admit.

I know that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. That I shouldn't care because God loves me and that's all I need. But it still bothers me to think that I ever did anything to push someone away from being my friend.

complicated

I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back.

Men are complicated.

done

3.5 years. 1 master's degree.

wow. I graduated today.

It hasn't hit me yet.

I've learned alot about what it means to obey. Even when it makes no sense. Even when I'm tired. Even when I've been told to quit.

I'm excited. Really excited.

God has big plans. He's shown me glimpses.

It's going to be awesome.

alone

Last week, Jeff emailed out a question, asking us to tell about a time in our life when we felt the most alone.

I purposefully didn't respond. I didn't want to think about it. And I certainly didn't want to hear my answer read in front of people. I almost didn't go this morning.

I feel alone most of the time.

I'm around tons of people who love me. All the time.

By worldly standards (and to be honest, most anyone's standard), I have it all: plenty of friends, an amazing job with people who also care about me, two degrees from good schools, the list keeps going...

God loves me. My friends love me. My parents love me.

Yet I can stand in a room and be completely alone.

Now let me say that I don't feel like God has left me. He's here. Right now. I've seen him do some pretty big things. And the Bible says so. I know God is still hanging out.

Let me also say that my friends are incredible. I get invited places. We do nothing together. I live with three other people and there are people here constantly. They threw me my first (and the best) surprise party ever.

So what's my problem? How can I say that I'm alone?

I don't know. But I cried this morning. Alot.

I couldn't move from my seat. I tried to pray and tears came. Jason said to stand and worship and there was no way I could.

There are days when I believe what the title of this blog is. That the Truth has set me free from the junk that's happened in my life. Set me free from myself.

But there are days when I feel like everything is happening around me and I'm just watching. LIke there's a barrier between me and them.

The worst part?

Nobody knows.

I feel badly. I feel like a fraud.

And I keep waiting to be found out. Or rescued.

The thing is, I feel selfish for even feeling this way. There are people with much bigger problems. Much worse problems. People are hungry, dying of awful diseases, being abused. And here I am in my yuppie existence whining about how alone I feel.

Which all makes me feel even more separated from the people around me. Like no one can relate to me because I'm so messed up.

I suppose the positive is that I get suffering. I want to fix it. And sometimes I'm convinced that God is with me on that.

But Satan is bound and determined to stop us. So he makes me feel alone. And convinces me that I am.

I want to put my fingers in my ears and scream at him: "I'm not listening! You're a liar!"

Because how could I possibly be alone?

Until then, I cry.

I cry for myself. I cry for those who hurt.

golfing

I need to learn to play golf. Or rather, I need to learn to hit a golf ball without totally embarrassing myself. And I should probably learn the rules too.

First of all, I don't play games with sticks and balls so well. Hitting a little tiny ball with a long stick just doesn't sound like a great idea to me. I hammer like lightning strikes: never in the same place twice.

Then there's the whole golfing culture. Do people actually golf because they like it? Or because it means you get to do business while being outside? This whole schmoozing thing is why I have to learn to play the silly game. I thought only lawyers and business people played, but I've learned that architects are all about some golf.

Golf requires special equipment. And apparently you can't just use a man's clubs. It's like using his toothbrush. So then how are you supposed to learn if you don't have clubs? There are so many sticks to pick from. Why are there so many? Why can't you just have one? And then there are those special shoes which I don't get at all. The only cool part would be getting to wear crazy plaid pants. I actually have a picture of my grandfather and his buddies in gosh-awful plaid golf gear. It could be a greeting card, really.

So, if anyone is brave enough to spend a few hours with me waving a stick at a tiny ball...

Freedom! (until mid-August anyway)

I'm free! At least until classes start back in August... One more semester and then I'll be done with my 7 1/2 years of higher education. Forever.

I like having free time after work. I can hang out, cook, send emails, read dumb chic lit, watch movies, work out... It's such a refreshing feeling to know that I don't have anything hanging over my head when I come home. I feel like I'm going to get to be myself this summer. And that the people I've known for a while now might actually get to know me. I'm much more interesting when I'm not dead exhausted. (Coherent is a magical thing.)

Maybe I'll even blog more...

New Orleans and optimism

so I"m back. thing is, I never know quite what to blog about... so I guess I'll tell you about my New Orleans class today.

Obviously, hurricane Katrina was really awful. From a design point of view though, it gives the city a chance to correct some of the major wrongdoings. and it gives the rest of us a chance to learn from all those mistakes. But how do we apply what we learned from NO? I think that architects, planners, etc need to practice what we preach. We talk all day long in classes about how sprawl is a bad thing (and very much was in NO... they sprawled out into the swamp, never a good place to build, and the place flooded) but no one is willing to give up what's needed to live in a more urban city. Change lies with my generation, but what I'm hearing from my classmates is that they're not willing to make even small changes in their own lives to become that difference. In my opinion, you lose the right to whine and complain when you refuse to become part of the solution. I fully believe that we all have the potential to change the world, if only we're willing. Perhaps my classmates are tainted by a world view of always looking out for themselves. But if we're the ones who are educated on the built environment, shouldn't we be the ones working to change all that?

I got pretty shot down in class today for my optimism and I'm okay with that. I'm not willing to let their negative opinions taint that. I really am convinced that if we educate the public on what it is that we deal with everyday, that we can start to reverse (or at least stop) the way we currently live.

have you ever...?

have you ever known one person that made you smile so much that it hurt? (in a good way, of course.) have you ever known someone that just really did it for you? have you ever looked into someone's eyes and felt like you could stay awhile? have you ever known someone that takes the neat little world you've created for yourself and turns it upside down? (again, in a good way.)

So what do you do? you don't want to be the person that always wants to "talk" because you're not that needy. you're really much more independent than that. you live by phrases like "why not?" and "you don't know unless you try." you refuse to let fear of the unknown stop you from what God has prepared for you. but how do you let that person know all this without being pathetic?

Bring on the Holy Spirit!

Those of you who know me well know that I don't often get emotional. I think that I had cried myself out several years ago. Even spiritual things rarely move me to tears. But lately, that's been different.

It all started with this: I've been stuggling lately with whether or not I played it too safe by staying in Raleigh. This is where I grew up and where my parents live again. I really feel like I'm here still for a reason and that God is up to something really huge. But it's not so much doubt that I'm doing the right thing. Perhaps by staying, I'm really giving something up? I had wanted to move to Boston and that won't be happening anytime soon, if at all. So by staying am I doing God's will and helping to advance his kingdom right where I am?

And this was somewhat brought on by the start of school and anticipating the stress that comes with architecture school. I've been in school for 20 years. This is my seventh year of higher education. I've had quite enough. Every semester I wonder "what was I thinking?"

So... Today at church we started a new series. And guess what it's on? The fruit of the Spirit! Yay! Those two short verses in Galatians are some of my absolute favorite! And possibly one of my biggest challenges. I desparately want to walk by the Spirit. I'd much rather the Holy Spirit be in charge of my life than my flesh. Today we started with love. One point that Pastor Mike made was the love registers profoundly in people's lives. This is when it all started to get me. That is so much what I want to do: show people God's love for them. I so often want to love people but I don't always feel like I'm so succesful at it. I get selfish and tired and just plain icky. But I really, really want to put others before me. I want the Spirit to show me how to do this and God to give me the energy to do this because I really don't do so well at it on my own.

To add to this, tonight we talked about treasures in heaven. Luke 12:34 says "for where your treasure is, there will be your heart also." Well, I want my treasure to be in heaven. I want everything I do to be making God smile. This doesn't always have to be as drastic as making a career of doing this, but in my case, that's exactly what it is. I want to give people hope. Hope that God loves them and that He's got awesome things in store for them. I want to touch lives and I want to do it through love.

Right.... so all of this makes me want to shout for joy and fall on my knees before the Lord. Kind of a switch in emotions, huh? So did I make the right choice by staying and working like crazy to do architecture? I think so. I'm really excited to see what God is up to. Overwhelmed at times, but excited.

Thanks for reading all the way through this. =) Have a good week!

an off day

so you know it's going to be an interesting day when you realize that you've brushed your teeth at least twice, can't remember if you fed the dog or not, and leave the house with your coffee in a regular mug and not a travel one...

It didn't turn out to be a bad day by any means. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I just had an icky day. I only worked a half day since school starts tomorrow and then I went to the mall. I just came home feeling really blah. Kathryn made shrimp and grits (yummy!) for dinner tonight and that vastly improved my day. Then we Goodwilled and Targeted. But you know, I'm still dragging. Maybe it's just the dreading of school? I dunno... Because I haven't had an icky day in quite some time. I usually have really good days. Blah.

Anywho, I hope that you're having a great day!

once again, joining the trend...

I've spent the last little bit playing on Facebook. You have to find me under NC State though because some people are confused and think that I actually go to school there. LOL (Ok, so maybe I do... but I'm really a Carolina girl.)

School starts on Wednesday and I am NOT excited about it one single bit. I really just don't want to go. I don't like the stress and competition that exists there. Working all summer has been way, way better than school. I just want to graduate with my piece of paper.

Things I am excited about: talking about life with friends, playing with my dog, knowing that I'm being who God wants me to be, smiling alot, Jesus vidoes on Vintage21.com, figuring out iTunes, buying 6 pounds of coffee on sale, yup, still smiling, swings at the park, having a going away party (even though I'm staying), sleeping in, taking naps, seeing friends that haven't been seen in a while, phone calls, dancing in the grocery store (or anywhere else for that matter).

An interesting challenge: Ask God what His will is. And then ask how you can help fulfill that here on Earth.

Comments are welcome. Otherwise, I might not bother to blog.

I'm back!

So Emily reminded me that I do, in fact, have a blog... so here I am. I've never been much of a journaler, so this is a bit of a challenge for me.

To catch you up, I've been interning at an architecture firm. It's been awesome! School and work are SO much different. This is my last week of full-time and I'm really sad. The good news is that I get to stay! Yay! It'll be great to have real architects to encourage me when school gets crazy.

Other than that, I've been going to weddings, etc. and hanging out with the people from Hope. God has really put me in an awesome place! I have met so many people over the past year. Sometimes we'll be hanging out and I stop and thank God for bringing me this group of people my age to have fun with and grow with.

The really awesome thing that's happened was a few weeks ago at Chavis Park. If I knew how to put pictures up here, then I would, but I can't, so I'll just have to tell you about it. We hung out all afternoon, playing, eating, and talking with some residents of Southeast Raleigh. It was a blast! I knew that it was going to be okay, but God exceeded my expectations of the turnout. I've been praying for a long time about what could be done in that area of town. There's so much need there. While I still don't have the solution, I think that God is well on HIs way of showing me how we from Hope can get involved and make a difference. I think that we made a good start at making connections there. I'm still having a hard time putting all of it in words, but I'd love to talk to you more about it. We'll be going back and hanging out soon! Ideas on what to do? Please share!

So what else? Really just loving life and where I'm at now and looking forward to where I'm going. Seriously! I know it sounds cheesy.

Think. Believe. Dream. DARE. ~ Walt Disney