Links

I need some more blogging help:
How do I put links in? I think I tried one time a while ago and they never showed up.

why?

I'm a big fan of this question. I don't often come up with many answers though.

This week I've been wondering "Why?" alot.

Why work hard when just getting by is acceptable?

Why do I care?

Why do I have to go to work all day long?

Why do bad things happen and why don't people want to talk about it?

Why don't I let myself be exactly who God wants me to be?

Why is Satan such a jerk?

Why can't I block him out?

Why do I let myself get stressed out?

Why can't I just see what's in front of me?

Why does Riley think he's walking me?

Why can't I make a decsion?

Wii

If you have not Wii-ed, then you must find someone who has one and beg them to let you play. Not only do my arms still hurt from boxing, running, swimming, and hammer throwing, but my abs are in pain from laughing.

If you find my Facebook page and watch the videos Carly posted, then you'll see what I mean.

subtlety

Tonight we were talking about subtlety. In particular, do men get things we girls do and do we get things they do? Or all we all trying so hard to be subtle that we miss it all? We didn't exactly come to any conclusions.

Somehow this lead to a pretty hilarious conversation on pickup lines. Suggestions ranged from "do you have a pen?" to "You're attractive and I want to have your babies." Danielle and Danielle definitely had very different styles. Julie was working the batting of her eyes.

Somehow in all this I recapped Henry Cloud's book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping." (As much as I hate dating advice books, this one is pretty good. He goes beyond dating and talks alot about good social skills.)

One of the bits of advice in this book is to just practice talking to people whenever you have a chance. Which got us back to pickup lines.

Not one of our ideas was in the least bit sublte. Hilarious but not sublte.

As we were leaving, Julie says to Andy and Will, "You're both attractive. Which one of you wants to take me to dinner?"

Hilarious. Unsubtle. Brilliant.

Family

A friend loaned me the first season of Brothers and Sisters on DVD. (Shame on her. All I've done since Sunday is watch TV.) She said she liked the show becasuse it reminds her of her own family.

A few great things about the show are the amazing house and the size of the family (five kids). My favorite thing about the show is how much of a mess each character is. They've all got their own set of issues and unlike many tv shows, they're reasonably realistic issues.

Another friend mentioned how the family just talks about things and gets it out there.

A while back I was talking to someone about how my family never, ever talks about things. Some pretty tragic, serious, scary and messed up stuff has happened in my life and none of it has ever been discussed between me and my parents. There are events, that now even over 10 years later, I'm still not sure what happened.

My question is this: Do families talk to each other like the one in the show? Or is my family just weird because we don't?

online dating

Let me start by saying that I neither condone nor condemn online dating. I'm by no means knocking it; I'm just saying that I'm not feeling it.

I've known people for whom it's been a positive experience. They've gone on dates, met some interesting people and had some funny stories to tell. One person I know even met her fiance online.

To be clear, I'm content with my singleness.

Lately though, I've had several people start in on me as to what I was doing to meet new people (At least two of those people just want me to be able to hang out with them more, being as they're married and do couple things.) Most recently my mom asked me about it.

In my defense, I was on a four year leave of absence from real life.

It seems that online dating has come up in conversation quite a bit lately. And today I had to explain to my mom why I wasn't participating. She even quoted Dr. Phil. (ugh.)

My understanding of these services is this: you answer multiple guess questions about yourself, a computer runs some matches, and then you pay a fee each month to wink at people in hopes that someone will want to start communicating with you.

I don't know about you, but I am much more complex than a multiple guess question. Besides the fact that I'd much rather meet someone who complimented me rather than meeting someone who was the same as me. And meeting someone based on an online profile seems so one dimensional to me.

I think that instead of paying the fee for this service I could use that money to do activites I enjoy. Seems like more fun that way. It's not all about "meeting someone" that way. That would just be an added bonus. I'd be much more myself than I would be having to meet some stranger for dinner.

I'm holding out for God's best. Not that the online method isn't a way to that. It's just that I think God is more creative than that.

confrontation

Normally, I hate confrontation. Avoid it at all possible costs. Don't even consider it as an option. Brush it under the rug as "it'll get better" or "I'm over-reacting" or "it's not my place" or any number of other excuses.

I'm learning to like it.

I can't believe I just said that.

After a good solid year of repeatedly feeling disrespected by a manager at work, I've decided that I'd had enough.

After another manager convinced me to stand up to him, he got in my face and yelled. We then had the same conversation that we've had about the issue for the past year.

I tried just sucking it up and doing the work and not letting it get to me. The work got done but I was miserable.

I tried making excuses about being humble but I couldn't seem to reconcile what I understand about Jesus with being a doormat.

I realized that I had three choices: 1. let him continue to disrespect me, 2. find a new job, and 3. talk to my boss about it. By not saying anything I felt like I was enabling the situation. By leaving I lose out big time. I like my job alot. There are tons of reasons why I don't want to get a new job. (More on that another time. I'm still a little (ok, alot) blown away by it.)

Leaving option number three.

My boss was totally cool with me talking to him. He even suggested that I talk more with this manager and with the others that also work for him. I felt somewhat like we were ganging up on the guy. But I asked my boss for help in the situation and this is what he suggested.

We made sure to present him with positives and with some concrete actions he could take to help prevent this tension from developing.

Part of my feels really badly for making such a fuss. The rest of me feels darn good that I was able to talk to him without crying or backing down, all while knowing that my boss was totally cool with me talking to this guy.

This isn't to say that I don't take some responsibility for the tension. I do take things he's said a little too personally sometimes. I actually really think this guy is a good guy which is probably why it bothers me so much that I have issues working with him.

However...

I know full well that this is going to happen again. He'll treat me better for a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a few months. And then it's going to happen again. I'd like to be optimistic about it.

It's no longer an isolated incident. We can't get along with everyone all the time. But we're in this cycle. It happens to other people in the office. But it's out there in the open now.

All this to say that I'm actually feeling good about the situation. It was an exhausting afternoon.

Advice from my mentor was this: how I handle this situation is going to set the tone for how I handle my career from here on out. It's also going to set the tone for how much I repsect myself and impact my life beyond work. (darn him. he has a trend toward being right all too often.)

If nothing else, it shows that I'm willing to man up to the tension and attempt to wrestle with it and deal with it.

It seems better just being able to say that I"m not okay with something.

I've previously been a world champion faker. I'm done. Finished.

house pictures (finally)

Welcome to Jones Street! This is my house. It was built around 1920 and is a bungalow style house. Keep scrolling down for more pictures.










the living room. the panel door on the left goes to a bedroom.











The fireplace in the living room.












The bathroom. You can't tell from the picture, but it was paneled around the existing elements.

















Dining room. Seriously sagging floors in this room.











Kitchen (an appropriate Go Heels! color) Definitely major demolition scheduled for this room.

















That's all. There are 2 bedrooms and a back den area but there's not much to see so I didn't post pictures*. If you ever get bored or frustrated and want to peel some paint or wallpaper, just call.

* Thanks to my picture-posting coach for explaining how to put pictures on this thing.

actually remembering to blog: take 463

So clearly my attempts to keep up with blogging haven't gone so well yet again...

I think it's a little weird to post things that go on in my head on the internets. Maybe it's a nice way to keep people up to date with my life. (of course, then I wonder who on earth is reading this.) The problem is that I can't give a simple play-by-play without going off on tangents. Hence my most recent nickname of "spaghetti girl." I could write for hours. Maybe I should aim for a little bit each night.

Thought for the week (ok, the past couple of weeks): Where's the line between humility and doormat-ity?

** house pictures coming as soon as I find the USB cable.

new (old) house

Soon you will see pictures of my house! (when I figure out how to get them on here.)

Per a really good suggestion, I'm going to keep track of my crazy house remodeling adventure through this blog thing. (which I have also never quite figured out.)

The house was built around 1920. So there are 87 years of paint/wallpaper/gosh-knows-what to be stripped/resurfaced/otherwise demolished.

Check back later this week and I'll at least have a link to pictures up here.

a million thoughts

There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. I'd like to be able to write a coherent post on each of them, but I can't seem to get all the thoughts to stop colliding long enough.

I graduated almost five months ago. I never have to go back to school again. Ever. Which slightly makes my head spin because now I really can get on with the real life I've dreamed about.

Which makes me wonder what real life is. I thought my life would look different when I was approaching 26 1/2. I'm a "grown up" now. Whatever that means. Maybe I should do grownup things. Take a trip to Home Depot or something. I thought I'd be married by 27. I thought I'd take myself way more seriously. I thought I'd be able to sit still without giggling or fidgeting.

Instead, I find myself doing a whole lot of having fun/nothing. I know some pretty amazing people around here. I'm pretty much always amazed at how great a community that God has put me in. I don't know what I'd do without these people. Whether it's all hanging out together or sitting on the porch talking to a few people, it's just good.

Even when it's not. Even when I'm upset by things people do. Even when I feel all alone and like I've got no one to talk to. Even when I feel all dark and twisty like Meredith Grey. I know that I have to get over myself and open up and that people around me love me anyway.

I feel like I talk about myself alot. I feel like I use the word "alot" alot. I don't like to bring attention to myself. Please don't misunderstand that. (ok, and I feel like I'm misunderstood all the time.) It's just that I'd rather focus on other people.

Which means that I actually like doign things like cooking for people or whatever. And I think that's scary to some people. It's too much somehow. I try to tone it down, really, I do. It scares people. (And by people, I mean boy people.) I'm not exactly super-ready to be all house-wifey or anything but isn't it supposed to be a good thing that I can handle domestic things?

I've started looking at buying a house. What an adventure that's starting to become... more on that another day. For now, let's just say that I'm excited. Even thought i have absolutely no clue as to where I'll be in 2 or 3 years.

All this makes me wonder just what God is up to in my life. I'm pretty confused right now. What on earth am I doing? I can go anywhere and do anything. Missions? Peace Corps? Rose Fellowship? Keep on working? Does it matter? Is working for a non-Christian group okay if I do humanitarian work?

Because right now, I can't have what I want. And I don't like not getting what I want.

I don't like being called overdramatic. I don't like feeling overdramatic. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be feminine.

I've been stuck in the boat lately. And every time I feel like stepping out of it, I feel myself getting pulled back in. For so long, I talked about jumping out of the boat and holding onto Christ's hand and just going. I'm getting tired of paddling. I want the faith to get out of the boat.

near... far...

(if you know what childhood show the title is from, you win.)

Who is your neighbor?

That's what has been asked lately, along with some insight on the good Samaritian story. Jeramie and Jeff have both had really good things to say. And there have been some cool discussions as a result.

Lately, I've been torn between being here in the States or being in sub-Saharan Africa.

Either way, I have a pretty rough idea of what God will have me doing. I'm not real worried about that. It's just a question of where.

[As a side note, I don't often like people to know that I went to NC State. It has nothing to do with sports. In fact, I don't want people to know that I have too much education. I'd much rather be seen as a godly woman rather than a career woman. Long story short, God has long since been leading me to meet people's needs. I have the ability to create spaces and built environments that can help other people help people. I don't do relational ministry. I'm not a teacher. I'm not a doctor or a nurse. But I can help those people change the world.]

Seeing poverty here in the US is hard because it's in stark contrast to most of the rest of us. How can the richest, most powerful country in the whole world have people who are going hungry? It's hard to see people go to work and struggle to keep their families fed and warm. But I'm not sure how I fit into making a difference. I don't do politics or policy. I'm not good at relational things, which is what I'm finding is a huge need here: some people to take the time to invest in a person's life and help teach them and encourage them toward some good decisions. Are there plenty of ways that I can help those people do that? Probably. But thus far, I haven't had the opportunity to do so. (Maybe not entirely true. The project I designed just needs funding. And is held up in city policy limbo.)

I don't know if it's frustration with the way poverty is handled here or if God is leading my heart in a different direction.

Here's where the confusion sets in: I leave for Africa in a few weeks. And I am more excited than I can possibly handle. I get to do what I've been talking about for so long. The more I read about Africa, particularly Sub-Saharan, the more I know that I cannot possibly stay here. I wish I could explain it better. Maybe God will explain it to me while I'm there.

Because that's almost a total 180 from what I've been up to the past few years. A while back, some of us started hanging out around Chavis Park near downtown. We've had a few cookouts, done some daycamp, mostly painted a house, and adopted a few families we met. All really great stuff. I guess I kind of started alot of it. I worry that people see me as the local outreach girl. And lately, I haven't been comfortable with that. So I've been real excited to see at least one home group at Visio Dei really jump on getting involved down there. Perhaps all I had to do was get the ball rolling and now other people can take it on without me.

Regardless, I'm here full time for the next few years. I should at least finish my internship hours. (A few more years of experience is probably a good idea. We don't want things falling down on people.) And if I got that far, I should maybe just go ahead and take my AREs. If I'm legal in the US, I should be legit pretty much anywhere.

Ideally, I'd never have to choose. I'd spend part of my year here and part in Africa (and maybe other places.) If poverty is a global problem, why can't I approach it from different angles? Logistically, I have no clue as to how that might actually happen. I think that's the part I'm looking forward to: seeing how God has it all planned out. Because part of that definitely involves some huge life decisions. And that's exciting.

I'm ready for some serious revolution in my life. I think this is a good start.

cell phones

Generally, in order to get a new cell phone, you have to sign a two year contract.

You have a phone. It probably doesn't work very well. You'd like one that works better. You realize that you could have a better one. You know there are better ones out there.

Instead, you settle.

not a burning bush, but still pretty cool

Read this last night:
"You want to know why seeing stark evil hasn't made me rough or bitter? Remember, I said it was God who was prying the little girl's hands off her eyes. As if He were saying, 'I can't use ivory-tower followers. They're plaster of paris, they crumble and fall apart in life's press. So you've got to see life the way it really is before you can do anything about evil. You cannot vanquish it. I can. But in My world the battle against evil has to be a joint endeavor. You and Me. I, God, in you, can have the victory every time.'"
Christy by Catherine Marshall

Crazy how God speaks in random places. This is a fiction book that I've been reading. (It keeps finding its way to the top of the stack of serious Christian books I've got.)

I've been praying alot about why bad stuff has happened to me. And why God would want to use me if I'm such a mess. And why it is that I see the bad stuff and feel compelled to do anything about it.

invisible

I don't like being ignored.

It hurts my feelings. I take it way too personally.

I assume (perhaps wrongly? not sure) that I'm friends with the people around me. So when I get treated differently by one of those people, I freak out.

What happens is that I decide that I must have done something to make them dislike me. Which makes me more awkward than I am on a normal basis. And then it's all downhill from there.

It makes me feel invisible. Like I don't matter. Like it wouldn't matter if I was there or not because they want to avoid me anyway.

It's been a battle. Me versus Satan. Frankly, he wins way more that I'd like to admit.

I know that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. That I shouldn't care because God loves me and that's all I need. But it still bothers me to think that I ever did anything to push someone away from being my friend.

complicated

I'm gonna put it out there; if you like it, you can take it, if you don't, send it right back.

Men are complicated.

done

3.5 years. 1 master's degree.

wow. I graduated today.

It hasn't hit me yet.

I've learned alot about what it means to obey. Even when it makes no sense. Even when I'm tired. Even when I've been told to quit.

I'm excited. Really excited.

God has big plans. He's shown me glimpses.

It's going to be awesome.

alone

Last week, Jeff emailed out a question, asking us to tell about a time in our life when we felt the most alone.

I purposefully didn't respond. I didn't want to think about it. And I certainly didn't want to hear my answer read in front of people. I almost didn't go this morning.

I feel alone most of the time.

I'm around tons of people who love me. All the time.

By worldly standards (and to be honest, most anyone's standard), I have it all: plenty of friends, an amazing job with people who also care about me, two degrees from good schools, the list keeps going...

God loves me. My friends love me. My parents love me.

Yet I can stand in a room and be completely alone.

Now let me say that I don't feel like God has left me. He's here. Right now. I've seen him do some pretty big things. And the Bible says so. I know God is still hanging out.

Let me also say that my friends are incredible. I get invited places. We do nothing together. I live with three other people and there are people here constantly. They threw me my first (and the best) surprise party ever.

So what's my problem? How can I say that I'm alone?

I don't know. But I cried this morning. Alot.

I couldn't move from my seat. I tried to pray and tears came. Jason said to stand and worship and there was no way I could.

There are days when I believe what the title of this blog is. That the Truth has set me free from the junk that's happened in my life. Set me free from myself.

But there are days when I feel like everything is happening around me and I'm just watching. LIke there's a barrier between me and them.

The worst part?

Nobody knows.

I feel badly. I feel like a fraud.

And I keep waiting to be found out. Or rescued.

The thing is, I feel selfish for even feeling this way. There are people with much bigger problems. Much worse problems. People are hungry, dying of awful diseases, being abused. And here I am in my yuppie existence whining about how alone I feel.

Which all makes me feel even more separated from the people around me. Like no one can relate to me because I'm so messed up.

I suppose the positive is that I get suffering. I want to fix it. And sometimes I'm convinced that God is with me on that.

But Satan is bound and determined to stop us. So he makes me feel alone. And convinces me that I am.

I want to put my fingers in my ears and scream at him: "I'm not listening! You're a liar!"

Because how could I possibly be alone?

Until then, I cry.

I cry for myself. I cry for those who hurt.

golfing

I need to learn to play golf. Or rather, I need to learn to hit a golf ball without totally embarrassing myself. And I should probably learn the rules too.

First of all, I don't play games with sticks and balls so well. Hitting a little tiny ball with a long stick just doesn't sound like a great idea to me. I hammer like lightning strikes: never in the same place twice.

Then there's the whole golfing culture. Do people actually golf because they like it? Or because it means you get to do business while being outside? This whole schmoozing thing is why I have to learn to play the silly game. I thought only lawyers and business people played, but I've learned that architects are all about some golf.

Golf requires special equipment. And apparently you can't just use a man's clubs. It's like using his toothbrush. So then how are you supposed to learn if you don't have clubs? There are so many sticks to pick from. Why are there so many? Why can't you just have one? And then there are those special shoes which I don't get at all. The only cool part would be getting to wear crazy plaid pants. I actually have a picture of my grandfather and his buddies in gosh-awful plaid golf gear. It could be a greeting card, really.

So, if anyone is brave enough to spend a few hours with me waving a stick at a tiny ball...

Freedom! (until mid-August anyway)

I'm free! At least until classes start back in August... One more semester and then I'll be done with my 7 1/2 years of higher education. Forever.

I like having free time after work. I can hang out, cook, send emails, read dumb chic lit, watch movies, work out... It's such a refreshing feeling to know that I don't have anything hanging over my head when I come home. I feel like I'm going to get to be myself this summer. And that the people I've known for a while now might actually get to know me. I'm much more interesting when I'm not dead exhausted. (Coherent is a magical thing.)

Maybe I'll even blog more...