What do I want to be when I grow up?

I thought I knew. But the more I do it, the more I'm not so sure.

It's not that I don't like being an architect. I really do.

Ok, let's back up a bit. I'm not actually an architect. Yet. I do almost everything a "real" architect does. But legally, I'm not actually one. And I won't be for at least two more years. I still have some internship requirements to meet and a bunch of exams to take.

I've been thinking about this for a while now. And on Monday, Ryan was joking with me and said "But you need to make a decision for when you're a real architect." I said "I don't want to be an architect when I grow up."

Which of course made him ask why.

It's that I don't see the point. I thought there was a point to being a licensed architect. But I've lost what that is right now.

I guess you can work for yourself or maybe get paid more. But those things don't particularly motivate me right now. There's also the fact that my 3 1/2 years of grad school will be pretty much pointless if I don't get licensed.

Architecture is a profession. Something that you practice, not just an ordinary job. Being licensed means getting the respect that comes with being a professional.

Not being a real architect means way less stress, responsibility and thinking. I could pretty much keep doing what I'm doing with less stress for several more years before anyone would take issue with my not being licensed. So why keep doing it? It's better than retail.

I'm just so stressed out. I go to work and I'm just stressed. I don't know why but I am.

I keep thinking that maybe I'll just show up at work, do what needs doing, and not care beyond that.

But can I be okay with that? With merely just punching a clock?

I was told today that I was better than just being a draftsman my whole life.

Maybe I am. But what's the point?

At this point, I have to make a choice. Either continue to be a glorified CAD monkey or take the initiative to become more than that.

I just wish I knew what being a real architect really got me.