have you ever...?

have you ever known one person that made you smile so much that it hurt? (in a good way, of course.) have you ever known someone that just really did it for you? have you ever looked into someone's eyes and felt like you could stay awhile? have you ever known someone that takes the neat little world you've created for yourself and turns it upside down? (again, in a good way.)

So what do you do? you don't want to be the person that always wants to "talk" because you're not that needy. you're really much more independent than that. you live by phrases like "why not?" and "you don't know unless you try." you refuse to let fear of the unknown stop you from what God has prepared for you. but how do you let that person know all this without being pathetic?

Bring on the Holy Spirit!

Those of you who know me well know that I don't often get emotional. I think that I had cried myself out several years ago. Even spiritual things rarely move me to tears. But lately, that's been different.

It all started with this: I've been stuggling lately with whether or not I played it too safe by staying in Raleigh. This is where I grew up and where my parents live again. I really feel like I'm here still for a reason and that God is up to something really huge. But it's not so much doubt that I'm doing the right thing. Perhaps by staying, I'm really giving something up? I had wanted to move to Boston and that won't be happening anytime soon, if at all. So by staying am I doing God's will and helping to advance his kingdom right where I am?

And this was somewhat brought on by the start of school and anticipating the stress that comes with architecture school. I've been in school for 20 years. This is my seventh year of higher education. I've had quite enough. Every semester I wonder "what was I thinking?"

So... Today at church we started a new series. And guess what it's on? The fruit of the Spirit! Yay! Those two short verses in Galatians are some of my absolute favorite! And possibly one of my biggest challenges. I desparately want to walk by the Spirit. I'd much rather the Holy Spirit be in charge of my life than my flesh. Today we started with love. One point that Pastor Mike made was the love registers profoundly in people's lives. This is when it all started to get me. That is so much what I want to do: show people God's love for them. I so often want to love people but I don't always feel like I'm so succesful at it. I get selfish and tired and just plain icky. But I really, really want to put others before me. I want the Spirit to show me how to do this and God to give me the energy to do this because I really don't do so well at it on my own.

To add to this, tonight we talked about treasures in heaven. Luke 12:34 says "for where your treasure is, there will be your heart also." Well, I want my treasure to be in heaven. I want everything I do to be making God smile. This doesn't always have to be as drastic as making a career of doing this, but in my case, that's exactly what it is. I want to give people hope. Hope that God loves them and that He's got awesome things in store for them. I want to touch lives and I want to do it through love.

Right.... so all of this makes me want to shout for joy and fall on my knees before the Lord. Kind of a switch in emotions, huh? So did I make the right choice by staying and working like crazy to do architecture? I think so. I'm really excited to see what God is up to. Overwhelmed at times, but excited.

Thanks for reading all the way through this. =) Have a good week!

an off day

so you know it's going to be an interesting day when you realize that you've brushed your teeth at least twice, can't remember if you fed the dog or not, and leave the house with your coffee in a regular mug and not a travel one...

It didn't turn out to be a bad day by any means. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I just had an icky day. I only worked a half day since school starts tomorrow and then I went to the mall. I just came home feeling really blah. Kathryn made shrimp and grits (yummy!) for dinner tonight and that vastly improved my day. Then we Goodwilled and Targeted. But you know, I'm still dragging. Maybe it's just the dreading of school? I dunno... Because I haven't had an icky day in quite some time. I usually have really good days. Blah.

Anywho, I hope that you're having a great day!

once again, joining the trend...

I've spent the last little bit playing on Facebook. You have to find me under NC State though because some people are confused and think that I actually go to school there. LOL (Ok, so maybe I do... but I'm really a Carolina girl.)

School starts on Wednesday and I am NOT excited about it one single bit. I really just don't want to go. I don't like the stress and competition that exists there. Working all summer has been way, way better than school. I just want to graduate with my piece of paper.

Things I am excited about: talking about life with friends, playing with my dog, knowing that I'm being who God wants me to be, smiling alot, Jesus vidoes on Vintage21.com, figuring out iTunes, buying 6 pounds of coffee on sale, yup, still smiling, swings at the park, having a going away party (even though I'm staying), sleeping in, taking naps, seeing friends that haven't been seen in a while, phone calls, dancing in the grocery store (or anywhere else for that matter).

An interesting challenge: Ask God what His will is. And then ask how you can help fulfill that here on Earth.

Comments are welcome. Otherwise, I might not bother to blog.

I'm back!

So Emily reminded me that I do, in fact, have a blog... so here I am. I've never been much of a journaler, so this is a bit of a challenge for me.

To catch you up, I've been interning at an architecture firm. It's been awesome! School and work are SO much different. This is my last week of full-time and I'm really sad. The good news is that I get to stay! Yay! It'll be great to have real architects to encourage me when school gets crazy.

Other than that, I've been going to weddings, etc. and hanging out with the people from Hope. God has really put me in an awesome place! I have met so many people over the past year. Sometimes we'll be hanging out and I stop and thank God for bringing me this group of people my age to have fun with and grow with.

The really awesome thing that's happened was a few weeks ago at Chavis Park. If I knew how to put pictures up here, then I would, but I can't, so I'll just have to tell you about it. We hung out all afternoon, playing, eating, and talking with some residents of Southeast Raleigh. It was a blast! I knew that it was going to be okay, but God exceeded my expectations of the turnout. I've been praying for a long time about what could be done in that area of town. There's so much need there. While I still don't have the solution, I think that God is well on HIs way of showing me how we from Hope can get involved and make a difference. I think that we made a good start at making connections there. I'm still having a hard time putting all of it in words, but I'd love to talk to you more about it. We'll be going back and hanging out soon! Ideas on what to do? Please share!

So what else? Really just loving life and where I'm at now and looking forward to where I'm going. Seriously! I know it sounds cheesy.

Think. Believe. Dream. DARE. ~ Walt Disney

lots of random thoughts

So I've been doing lots of thinking lately... so just a warning that this may be rather random...

I just finished watching the Notebook. Now, I almost never cry over movies, especially chic flicks. But oh my gosh... the old people really got to me in this one. Combined with my recent ponderings on my current state of singleness, let's just say I was definitely a mess. I know that I joke alot about being old and how I don't date and I don't want to give anyone the idea that that's all I think about or that I'm desparate or anything, but I have been thinking about it all lately. (Note to self: don't watch chic flicks for a while.)

I'll be 25 in 6 months and I have to say that it is rather discourgaging when so many people my age or younger are getting married in the next few years. I haven't given up hope that God does want me to get married and have a family. Until I hear a really loud "No!" from Him, then I"m not ready to accept staying single forever. So I'm optomistic, don't get me wrong... God keeps giving me hints, which is awesome, but rather frustrating at the same time. I know what I want, I just know that I can't have it yet and I don't know why. I want to laugh and cry and scream all at the same time. Since I've never been the dating type, I know that God is up to something huge. (and besides, does anything in my life ever happen the "normal way?") Now it's all a matter of waiting...

Meanwhile, I've got to become 100% comfortable with myself. Now, most of the time I've got it more or less together. And I've been learning alot about myself lately. I don't want to be the center of attention; in fact, I really hate being the center. My favorite people are the ones that you can do absolutely nothing with and have the best time ever with. Talking isn't even necessary sometimes with these people. I want to be loved. I want to be liked. I want to slow down. I desparately want to be exactly who God made me to be. I don't want to sit around and ask permission anymore. I want to do things. Big things. And to do it, I'm going to need someone to keep me grounded.

being a grown up, part II

So apparently my post didn't actually post last night. And I can't exactly remember what I wrote...

I organized the finish library today, which is not an easy task. Maybe, just maybe, I'm a bit of a tomboy. Who else climbs on ladders and uses a screwdriver while wearing a skirt? So I am dead exhausted. Despite being so tired, work is still going great. I just like being there, even on days like today when I don't do any architecting. But sometimes that means I get to do other things that I enjoy, like creating new boards for the lobby. Which is funny to me that they trust me to do that kind of graphic/presentation work since my professor this past semester gave me a bad grade on presentation. Everyone else in the world seems to think that I'm actually good at it.

Oh yeah, now I remember the part about being a grownup. I've realized that if someone hurts my feelings or upsets me somehow, then I should just suck it and be mildly assertive and let them know that I was hurt. This is much more effective than being annoyed about it and saying or doing silly things.

Other thought of the day: have you ever finally figured out what you want, only to realize that you can't have it just yet?

being a grownup

Monday is my first day being a grown-up. (Well, sort of...) I get to put on nice clothes and go to a job that doesn't involve water or small children. I've been looking forward to this forever. I just wish that I didn't have to go back to school in the fall. For those of you who don't know, I'll be working at Integrated Design all summer. (and maybe into the fall?)

Anyone up for a cookout sometime soon? Let me know! I like "more the merrier" events.

being a social retard

Have you ever felt lilke a social retard? I feel that way 95% of the time. I've learned to deal with it most of the time. It takes everything I've got to be cheerful and friendly some days. My entire life I've had to deal with this and I do not like it. And even when I manage to be a good party-goer, the entire time I feel awkward, out of place, and completely nerdy. Other days, I don't like to make plans because I wonder if people really want to hang out with me. Which makes me feel even sillier for even thinking such a thing.

And the strangest thing is, no one ever seems to catch onto this. Why?

Overall, I'm a fairly confident person. (FYI: if you ever pray for confidence, you'd better mean it. Because God will definitley teach you what it means to be confident. Take my word for it.) But for some reason, when it comes to socializing like a normal human being, I feel like I fail miserably.

I say all this not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. (Trust me, that would make it worse). I just want you to know that if it ever seems like I'm trying to hard to be social, then that's why.

On a good note, I got an internship! Yay! I'll be working at Integrated Design starting on Monday! I get an email address and a desk and everything.

near misses and could-have-beens

I'm not sure why I always have to defend myself about this, but for some reason, I always end up needing to set the record straight. When do I get to be too old for this? So if you're a man, please keep reading.

I am not your little sister. I am not one of the guys. I am not a tomboy. I am not someone you tolerate hanging out with. I am not a little kid.

I am a GIRL. Not a feminazi, just a girl who expects to be treated like a girl.

Am I incredilbly self-concisous about this? You bet.

Architecture for Humanity

Your architecture site of the day is this: Architecture for Humanity The thing is, architecture doesn't have to just be for people who have lots of money or want to use smart sounding words to say absolutely nothing or for people who wear artsy looking glasses. It really is for everyone. Think about it: architects design spaces, basically meaning that we make inside. And don't we all like to stay dry and thermally happy? So if you've ever wondered why I look so tired from school or why I have scars all over my hands from late night use of an exacto blade, that's why. Call me crazy, but I really think that architects have a lot of power to really make some changes in this crazy world we live in. If we make inside, then we have the ability to create really great places for people to live, work, and play. If they have these great spaces, then maybe they'll want to gather in those spaces and create community. If they have community, then maybe some good will come from that sense of belonging. Crazier things have happened...

Call me crazy...

I want to do a triathalon this summer or fall. I know that's crazy and would require me to actually be in shape, but I've always wanted to do one. I don't even care if I finish well or not, just so long as I actually finish. And I've found some that are fairly short distances. Here are links to those: UNC Wellness Super Sprint and Fit and Able. If anyone is interested in attempting one of these with me, that'd be fun. I can teach you how to swim properly if you promise to motivate me to run. Let me know.

beach, beach, beach

Now recruiting: people who want to go to the beach next week. A day trip would be great. I've GOT to get out of Raleigh (Cary doesn't count).

That's all I've got for today. This blogging thing is a bit stressful. I feel the need to say something witty and intelligent, but lately, I've been so dead exhausted that things sound entertaining in my head, but then I realize they really aren't...

PS: comments are welcome. =)

exhausted (read at your own risk)

Yay!!!! I'm done!!! Only one exam stands between me and summer!! My review went well. Overall, it was a really positive review; the way they should be. The whole project was really interesting. NOt something that I'd ever do professionally, but interesting to see where other people are spiritually.

But now I'm SO stinking tired. I went to church early for a leadership meeting and then kind of got slammed with what Pastor Mike talked about at church. So now I'm tired and confused. While I appreciate his effort at addressing why suffering happens, he didn't so much answer my question. Why suffering happens is quite possibly the most difficult thing to explain to people who are trying to understand God. It's the worst possible time for me to start thinking about suffering. I"m dreading next weekend, just like I've dreaded every holiday for the past seven years. I know that God is good and that he does things for a purpose... but I just don't get it. I've been able to find the joy in (almost) everything else that's happened in my life since, but I cannot understand about my brother. I don't get it.

straight lines and no caffeine

So most of today was spent trying to cut straight lines. Which is frustrating because for some reason I'm not capable of doing that and that makes me feel like a total moron. But the semester is almost over and that makes me happy.

And for some reason, I picked this week to try to give up caffeine. My hope is that I won't be quite so jittery when trying to cut straight lines. Hopefully this week won't be as bad as other semesters have been. My plan is to be done by Friday at 7pm. (and with no caffeine). So people had better call me then and if I'm in studio, come over and drag me out of there.

If you want to know what I think about Invisible Children, check out Chris's blog because I commented there. (and kind of said way too much to retype here.)

Pray at 9am on Tuesday! I have an interview!

alarm clocks, part deux

I think I have a better chance of finding one of these: http://www.cnn.com/offbeat/gallery/content.5.html
(Thanks, Yames!)

Getting up early can be quite productive. I got up at 6:30 this morning and came home from Cary, went to the gym, showered, and worked on some homework; all before church.

For those who aren't into the changes with Hungry? here's what needs to happen: 1) talk to Jeff and Jason, 2) try to adopt a good attitude for a few months and give it a fair shot, and 3) pray about it. If God is up to something big, then the changes will stick. If He's not, then the changes won't stick. I'm not completely thrilled with the changes either, but we've got to at least try it out. It's all in what you make of it. Day, time, and place shouldn't matter. The reason I keep coming is for the community, not because it fits nicely in my schedule.

Alarm Clocks

So what is it about alarm clocks that they refuse to ring some days? I have 3, count them, 3 set, but do any of them go off? no.... Okay... so maybe (just maybe) I've slept through my alarm for the past few weeks. How this is possible, I don't know. I thought Riley would wake me up when the alarm goes off. You know, rub his cold nose on me or bark or something. But nope, I wake up and he's sleeping too. Maybe if I ever get married, I'll marry someone who is capable of waking up. And then he can pull the covers off my and drag me out of bed. Or, if i'm going to the gym, put my sneakers on for me. Or, if I need to get dresssed, just pick me up and put me in shower. Now that's an alarm clock...

following the crowd

Not usually one to follow the crowd quite so much, I've decided to start a blog. Or is it a verb: blogging? Now why anyone would like to read about my life, I'm not sure, but go ahead.

So let's see... my day was GREAT! God is GREAT! can you tell that's my favorite word these days? I woke up on time for once; went to class; had lunch at this great Italian restaurant run by real Italians; and traced contour lines. So the usual, right?

BUT then... as I was leaving Bo's with Chris, this guy stops me who apparently knows my name. (this is scary). Well... it was the bully from growing up! And get this... he apologized for being so terrible to me. AND (better yet!) he accepted Christ. Seriously, the kid looked happier than I had ever seen him. So if you ever want to tell me that God can't change people, I will tell you that He can.

So I think I should go study for that test I have tomorrow.... While I'm doing that, you can check out these websites and get your architecture education for the day:
http://www.id-aep.com/ and http://www.bjac.com/